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In Reply to: Re: Ive forgotten my exfam name! ha posted by Jules (Jewlz) on October 21, 2008 at 20:55:00:
Good to "see you again" : )
This is a wonderful post Jules, cause I feel "the heart" in it...& I think you made that step, letting your heart speak...so I appreciate that a whole, big lot...honestly...
From my personal perspective/angle: I've been seperated (not divorced, cause never married) due to my own mistakes etc., but was granted forgiveness... & for the sake of my three kids I have had really ample contact to my children...on weekends as well as in the holidays & before my son started to study...he lived for 5 years with me...I can't describe, how happy I am for that experience & that is mainly due to her mother, to whom I am mega thankful for, as she could have also moved to Italy, which was threatened often enough in quarrels.She made that promise & decision in a written statement to me, to grant that contact, as she thought the kids need father & mother even though seperated.This is not really something taking for granted & automatic, rather not in the past...in society often the kids & sentiments hurt & broken are used as an instrument to "pay back" the subjectively judged/discriminated mate ( which can very well also be fairly objectively ), whatever the circumstances.
I knew, that by the older laws - prior to 2000 or so - I had very little to no chance in a case against a single, unwed mother with little, by age, kids...that meant better "behaviour" on my part...I read very saddening reports of divorced or seperated husbands/mates, who had not even a chance to see their kids, even if by later laws the right for regular visitation was established ...it could have still meant further hassle, cause the mother could claim for longer, that the child is sick etc., not being able to see the father (one thing made me cry, when I read, that a father wished his child happy birthday from a billboard, placed at a point the kid had to pass, to go to school...for otherwise he had no contact)...there has been a lot of fear involved, to the point of kidnapping kids, as fathers (or mothers) couldn't cope with the "fact" of not seeing their offspring...sociologist , psychologists, familytherapists & whatnot also then made statements, that the older concept, that the child needs in the beginning primarily & only the mother became outdated as a "model" (kind of pushed by the leftists to boost the "worth" of females to "equality"/emancipation or according to critics may be beyond, in family politics), all that I observed, fearing in the beginning manifold, that I wouldn't see the kids for long...depending of course also on me....those were "nerve-consuming" times, but I am happy, that my children seem to be rather balanced to the point, that even then in kindergarden the "nurses"/workers said, that they were surprised to hear, that they are kids of seperated parents...
Therefore the newer laws in Germany (Europe) focus in on the needs of the child, whether financially or whatever...as there also have been outrageous cases of childneglect or other problematic situations & in general there is much in want in these hemispheres, what "childcare" is concerned...I am not talking of the well to do parents though.
Some of the most touching TV-"scenarios"/shows are those who have mediation & forgiveness or bringing familymembers together on the agenda...there are many cases, where children haven't seen their "biological creator" for ages...but you always hear, that children have this desire/craving to find out, why did the "missing" parent leave or why is it not there (something I never wanted, to "get lost")...often or regularly children are laying the blame on themselves & feel an unnecessary burden & guilt.
I think you're on a "super highway", if you permit me to say that...children get an inner boost, I am convinced, if the parents don't hold grudges continously against each other...I think they can accept, that they're not agreeing with each other on many issues, but it's proven, scientifically, that kids suffer also in school, if they have super quarrelling parents & if after so long, they should "forgive each other", I think that's one of the very best things which could happen....it might not show immediately on the face of the child, but I am sure it will help in any case. : )
