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In Reply to: Trust posted by Skep on April 15, 2006 at 05:53:09:
Maybe I moralize too much, but I have trouble with some of what you said. I want to live in a way that gets above and beyond not doing something just because of the fear of getting caught, or just because I can't live with the consequences of destroying trust.
(I am not implying you said that is your only motivation for not cheating. Actually I am not really clear from your post if you are a proponent or oppopnent of meaningless sex.)
For me sex should be so much more than a "function of the physical urge," something to "go for" when it is "void of romance" because "nobody else is or will be affected (hurt)." Because I believe we actually do hurt ourselves and others by having meaningless sex that way.
No doubt sex is a very physical thing, but I think of sexual union as something more than a physical pleasure. It can and should be so much more than a carnal appetite being satisfied. Berg distorted the importance of sex, and taught that it is a need just like food, and that we have a right to get it satisfied or else we'll be justified going around raping each other. But that was the thinking of a sexual predator.
As horny as I am, I don't think I will die if I don't get to regularly implant my semen in a female body. I believe that sex should occur when there is emotional investment, because we care enough for each other to invest emotionally in our sexual partners, and that we shouldn't just fuck each other without that emotional reverence and respect as a prerequisite. I believe we should be that way because it's a question of respecting yourself, that if you truly respect yourself you will believe you deserve to be treated with respect, and you won't put up with giving or receiving casual meaningless sex, that you will actually want more.
Right now we only need to turn on the TV to hear words like "fuck buddy." But I really have trouble accepting those values. I don't believe we are supposed to fuck all our friends. There are healthy boundaries in friendships. Sometimes we get alarm bells that tell us not to spoil a beautiful friendship by getting involved sexually. My theory is that even messy breakups where people can't be friends afterwards is a form of healthy boundaries. Situations like that occur naturally because something inside tells us we can't fuck someone who is only a friend, and once you have been involved sexually we can't "just be friends" so easily anymore. I believe we have built in natural alarms warning us that sex is nothing we should be too casual with, and that this is a cross-cultural phenomenon.
In Love vs. Law, Berg also taught us that if we didn't get sex in the relationship we were in, then it was our right to get it outside of the relationship. I know there are many with values like these, but cheating is cheating, whether or not you have talked it over to make sure it's "mutual sheer carnal pleasure" with "no emotional involvement." It is still something that would hurt your spouse if they found out. It is still something that hurts you, because you are not being honest, and you can't respect yourself when your not able to live honestly and openly and celebrate and be proud of the people you're involved with. I say go to relationship therapy, or get out of the relationship rather than cheat. Berg taught us lie, cheat and to keep secrets, but I believe we should live openly and honestly as much as possible.
If we're talking ideals, if you're in a loveless relationship, take action to get out of it. If you're not able to just yet, then hold out. Of course these are ideals and I know not everything works on ideals, and that there are often overlaps in relationships. But if we're not talking ideals and there should be an overlapping transition to another relationship, I say go for a meaningful relationship where there is love, not for mutual consent that it's all just nothing more than a fuck.
There is also a widespread attitude that it's alright to have a la carte menu relationships. So-and-so is relationship material, and so-and-so is only good for a fuck. This is not something I would teach my daughter to live by, so it's definitely not something I would want to live for myself. Because I have too much self-respect, I would be insulted if someone kept me for the sex but considered me worthless relationship material, or if my partner considered me relationship material but she had other better fuck temps before she settled down on a not-so-sexual me.
By the same token, I believe in committment to one partner whom I will learn to have "everything" with. Although I cannot be "everything" to her, I would want to be a complete partner, one that includes all sexual aspects, someone she can be sexual with. (I don't believe we can actually find everything we want in one partner, but I believe in growing together to learn to be "more and more" for each other.) If our sex is not that great, well then it's just something we will have to learn to do better together, not something I will justify to seek outside the relationship. If sex is something I can't get in the relationship and it is that important to me, then I'll have to announce that I am breaking up because I need sex in the relationship.
Just my moralizing two cents.
