|
In Reply to: Losing Religion posted by Pearl Joy Heavens on July 21, 2005 at 10:18:47:
Posted by Bloomberg News Wire on April 29, 1999 at 07:33:05:
WASHINGTON, DC--The six-millennia-old
sky-father deity Yahweh, worshiped by Christians,
Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged all-knowing
compassion and vast benevolence toward humanity,
refused comment following Wednesday's announcement that
the U.S. Justice Department will investigate
allegations of failure on His part to provide for His
approximately 3.5 billion human followers.
According to Justice Department officials, on
more than 70 trillion documented occasions, the Lord
has failed to provide for dutiful worshippers,
allowing them to go without Providence in times of
great need and showing little if any of the
celebrated deity's much-touted "boundless love."
The list of Justice Department allegations
ranges from the mundane, such as the Lord's reported
September 1995 refusal to see to it that Terre Haute,
IN, Presbyterian Joyce Halstrom receives a new set of
drapes for her anniversary, to the catastrophic, such
as last year's Mexico City earthquake, in which God
allowed an estimated 150,000 devout Catholics to be
crushed to death under tons of debris.
"These are very serious charges," U.S. Attorney
General Janet Reno said. "I can assure you that our
department will investigate them fully."
The allegations directly contradict over 6,000
years of extravagant claims by the Lord's prophets of
"miracle" cures and other forms of all-encompassing
heavenly grace.
Immediately following the Justice Department
announcement, many of the Lord's top earthly
representatives fled into hiding, including Pope John
Paul II, New York's Cardinal O'Connor, and Rabbi
Menachem Schindler, president of the World Orthodox
Jewish Congress.
In Rome, an unruly mob surrounded the
Panamanian Embassy, where many believe the Pope is
currently hiding out and seeking asylum. These
reports, however, remain unsubstantiated as of press
time.
The Lord did not respond to a federal subpoena
ordering him to appear before the investigative
commission, and refused to speak to reporters on this
or any subject throughout the week.
Efforts on the part of law-enforcement
authorities to contact the alleged supreme being via
the intercessionary medium of prayer have been
equally unsuccessful.
One of the areas in which the Lord has been the
most negligent, the Justice Department claims, is in
providing His followers with adequate access to
education: Fundamentalist Christians remain, after
thousands of years, among the least educated groups
in the world, ranking below pro-wrestling enthusiasts
and carnival workers.
Claims of an eternal "life after death" also
remain unconfirmed by deceased believers from around
the globe.
"It's sad to think of the abusive treatment
people have received at the hands of their so-called
protector," U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) said,
"especially when you think about all those countless
hours they spent in houses of worship rejoicing and
loudly bearing thanks and praise."
The senator noted that, with over 450,000 hymns
and songs written about Him, the Lord ranks among the
most praised entities ever.
If the charges prove true, the Lord could face
up to 3,100 years in jail and/or fines totalling $50
trillion. He would also be forced to return all
gratitude and thanks paid to Him by followers,
backdated to the dawn of civilization.
Despite the seriousness of the charges, many
believers remain loyal to the embattled deity. "I
know it seems like the worst thing ever," said
Lynette Maddox, a Flatwoods, KY, manicurist and
mother of nine, "but we just have to trust that it's all part of God's plan."
