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In Reply to: trouble with the ..puter.... posted by Farmer on October 15, 2004 at 02:24:28:
I really do appreciate that. It is the worst thing for a mother to have to watch their children suffer, but then to think that I brought on that suffering is sometimes unbearable.
First of all, let me say that my situation is different than yours. I had already become a Christian before I joined up with TF. The group I was in, the Jesus People Army run by Russ Griggs, joined up or merged with the COG. I thought they were another group like the JPA. I was deceived. So I didn't really "need" TF, I thought they were a dedicated Christian group and that is what I was looking for. I was unsuspecting and ignorant. What I am saying is I didn't find God or Jesus via TF, so I don't need to give them credit for that. I only need to give them credit for destroying that innocense I had in trying to follow God and my newly acquired Christian faith.
What my son goes through is that he feels he did not ask to be born into this lifestyle and have to live it, that he has no past. He tries hard to make a life for himself without defering to his past and it's hard. He struggles a lot because he has no support structure, his father is a dead beat dad who has cut off communication with him because they cannot see eye to eye and that hurts him. They were very close when he was young.
I am spent and tired, I cannot keep up the pace I did with my children and they are so much on their own, the older ones. I am not working now so I cannot help them financially and that hurts. He feels odd at school, different, weird, and struggling to get ahead at life and not going anywhere. He hesitates to vent with me because I will start apologizing profusely (he has forgiven me many times), so this time I told him to just talk because he needs to get it out and I will listen.
Things haven't gone right for him this month, he lost his license, his car was taken away, the church where he sings at didn't pay him and his rent money bounced, his college is expensive - he's supposed to be writing music and he thinks he's not good enough because he entered a very prestigious university with Christian kids who have been pampered and are extremely intelligent and gifted so he compares himself to them. It makes him more conscious of his past too. So I listened to this and I was pretty depressed afterwards. I certainly don't want to hear any few good kernels of corn someone wants to find about TF. That's not bucking up against anything, that's just the truth.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Last night I talked to him and he was a lot more chipper. I suggested he sit down and write a long letter to his father and let it all out. He thought that was a good idea and he might even mail it to him too. Just keep him in your prayers, he's a good kid, very sensitive, trusting and honest. He deserves a lot more than he gets.
