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In Reply to: no posted by another SG on September 10, 2004 at 03:38:10:
I am really sorry to hear that SG. Seems like a double whammy in that he is out of the family, physically anyway, but is in such deep denial of the nature of the beast even saying he is PROUD of what he lived. I did not see the Mene series, but have read about mene's story at MovingOn. I wish he was able to face the pain. He might be the biggest loser in the end. The relationship he could have with his kids is something that cannot be replaced. I think Acheick had a good idea about letter writing and putting it aside, maybe even giving it to him one day, however you feel about it. If you write as if you never planned to give it to him and let out whatever you would like to say to him, in whatever way, maybe even more than one letter because you may feel at a loss one day, very angry another day, all at once another.. but venting that way is good. If you have someone you trust whether a therapist or a good friend that you know will not try and keep you from your feelings, you might want to share it with them.
My mother was someone I wrote to and actually mailed a letter to (about family of origin abuse) but I did not mail it without having therapist support and being aware that I might get completely discounted, called a liar and get more than one emotional punch in the face.
Having therapeutic support helped me to deal with the reality that she could never change. I did not get to do this with my father as he was terminally ill when I was 17 and died before I could do much, but at least I did talk to him once. I think he was open, in that state of illness to tell me something positive where always before he had belittled beaten and seemed to hate me. It could not replace the time that I grew up having a father that was not a father. Family secrets also kept so much from being uncovered. Perhaps he suspected I was not his. I got that hint from his mother. Whatever the case, things I missed because of my family: I did not date, did not go to any prom or other momentous occasion, felt less than zero, was afraid of people outside of my circle of friends that I finally developed in the 12th grade...Believed I was "too stupid" to do anything like I was so often told regarding any future.
My mother was childlike and we had to take care of her with all her emotional outbursts. She took everything for herself since childhood, even alloted money for our school clothes. My sister got good clothes but I never had more than about five changes for the year. And nothing nice. We weren't poor either.
It is hard when you are parented faulty and abusively to have to turn around and parent yourself. I think that is a lot of what recovery is about. When I say parent I am not talking about work or caretaking of others, but taking care of and nurturing myself and finding friends that are safe. That emotional part is what is the hardest I think. It can be particularly painful when the knowledge one has is further ahead than the emotional recovery.
The good news is that worst case scenario and your father is never safely available for you, your life is very very valuable. You probably have a great deal of radar in the areas of empathy and sympathy and ability to help others. I worked with kids for a long time and to be part of something that helped build their self esteem when the rest of their world was falling apart at the seams was very rewarding. At the same time, I learned that when I wanted to do nothing more than to fall into bed, no energy to even take off my clothes or get comfortable, I would make myself, sometimes anyway, take a shower or relaxing bath with a door that locks, put on something comfortable, make sure there were clean sheets on the bed and get a good book and cup of tea. It was a lot of work when it seems it is hard to just breathe, but afterwards, that self-care did help some to feel better.
I wish you were my child and I could say to you the things you need to hear. That all that shit was wrong and that you deserved a good education, financial security, me there for you and that I would give everything in the world I had to turn back time and do it differently. And then allow you to let your flood of anger come out and rip away at your hurts and pains without denying you any of that reality. Or explaining it. You deserve that. But if you don't get it there, I hope you find a safe place to discharge it with a nurturing figure. Hoping the best for you because you so DESERVE it.
