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In Reply to: Re: My Story posted by Anonymous on April 30, 2004 at 08:34:09:
As a partner of a survivor of child sexual abuse, I can identify with some of what your boyfriend went through. I had to get some support, just for me, so that I could understand. I can share a few things here that helped us. The book, "The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis was one of them. They list the necessary stages for recovery:
The Decision To Heal - once you recognize the effects iof the abuse, deep healing can only happen if you choose it and are willing to change.
The Emergency Stage - Beginning to deal with the memories can throw your life into utter turmoil, but it's only a stage and won;t last forever.
Remembering - Getting back both memory and FEELING.
Believing it Happened (and that it hurt you). - A vital part of the healing process.
Breaking Silence - A poweful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim.
Understanding That It Wasn't your Fault - Now that you are an adult, you must place the blame where it belongs - directly on the shoulders of the abusers.
Making Contact With The Child Within - Can help you feel compasion for yourself, more anger at your abuser and greater intimacy with others.
Trusting Yourself - Learning to trust your own inner voice, your feelings, and your intuitions forms a new basis for action in the world.
Grieving and Mourning - Most survivors haven't felt their losses. Grieving is a way to honor the pain, let go, and move into the present.
Anger - the Backbone of Healing - a pwerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it, or whether you've alwas had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who didn;t protect you, is pivitol to healing.
Disclosures and Confrontations - not for every survivor, but it can be a dramatic, cleansing tool.
Forgiveness - something that you do for yourself and your own health's sake.
Spituality - can be a real asset in the healing process.
Resolution and Moving On - As you move through the stages your feelings and perspectives will stablize, you'll probably come to terms woith your abuser and other family members. While you won't erase your history, you will have gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing and will have the opportunity to work toward a better life and a better world.
The book goes into great detail about each stage, has lots of stories of courageous survivors and what they endured and survived, it even has a section for me - parnters of survivors. It explains, too, that your body is programed to enjoy sexual stimulation much like your belly is programmed to digest food. Ever try stopping that? They (the authors) don't feel you should be feeling guilty about any of that. It has a section on how to deal with the backlash others are going to give you for 'coming out', and a resource guide as well.
I'd like to say that although my partner had hell to pay for the abuse that she endured, she has done remarkably well in her recovery and has a whole lot of inner beauty and grace bubbling up from within her now. You can email her if you like. I'll buy the book and send it to you if you can't afford it, yet are interested in getting it. Also, there are on line support groups for child sexual abuse just as this board is our FAMANON support for survivng the Fam and all it's weirdness. Just punch in "survivors of child sexual abuse" and get at'er. Perhaps you'll find something you like.
Hope this helps and all the best for you in your journey.
