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In Reply to: Re: Reframing Family-think: I did not "join" the family! posted by anovagrrl on December 08, 2003 at 13:53:56:
Interestingly enough, a poster named Michael K. who indentifies as FGA also, launches into a response about how Eva and other FGAs "just don't seem to be able to take the blame and responsibility for your own actions...
It was me. And yes, I stand by what I wrote, although I admit I should have put responsibility first and the original sentence would have been: "...don't seem to be able to take responsibility and blame for your own actions".
I don't want to start a flame war, but I think this thread is a good illustration of my point. I am sorry, but no, we weren't recruited -- we joined, it was our own free will and yes, it was a mistake and wrong decision.
On one hand, I think I understand why people would choose this helpless victim pattern: for some it is just a form of psychological relief, and while it may be OK for a short time, in the long run I think it is just healthier to admit that yes, I and only I made a mistake, and I and only I will make sure it will not be repeated again.
As far as male/female bit is concerned: I won't comment on that, if you don't mind... Although no, I will.
First of all, I think that any difficilties that the ex-members (FGAs/SGAs) are experiencing are not unique. In a lot of ways it is like immigrating to a foreign country where you basically have to start everything from the buttom and build your way up. Been there, done that.
One real-life example of a girl I personally know and in a way admire and have a lot of respect for, we studied together at the Open University of Israel. She was divorced second time when I met her in my discrete math class (note aside: discrete math is a tough subject in any language, but studying it in a language where you have to dig every second word in a dictionary was a real nightmare). Her husband was a Chinese and they were running a Chinese restourant, but things just didn't work out, so the business was closed and since according to all the papers she was the owner, it was her responsibility to pay off all the debts. The Chinese was in Israel illegally, so he couldn't work as a chief (his profession), some other "dirty" labor was not for him and in the end the marriage broke.It was not an easy task for a mother of two who had to work minimal wage jobs (she was doing the cleaning) during the day and study at the university in the evening. She also had to provide for her kids and pay off the debts left to her by her husdband. I don't know how she managed it, I think she also had to sell her body at some point, but let's just say it was not an easy life. She got her BA in comp science and if you ever used ICQ, you used part of her work.
Why I used her as an example? In a way, I think her situation was very similar to what many ex-members face: she was alone in a foreign country, it was a hostile environment and she had to start at the very buttom of the "social ladder", but I never heard her complaining or blaming someone else, even her husband and she had absolute and full right to blame him for the debts which I think she is still paying.
To summarise my point: to blame someone else for your mistakes is easy, but I really think we should admit that we are the ones who make *the decisions* and if our decisions are/were wrong, then it is *our own* mistake. Because if you don't do that, you have a very good chance of felling prey to yet another prophet who will show you the next truth... No?
