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In Reply to: intimacy posted by porceleindoll on November 02, 2002 at 15:38:52:
I agree with you gals that we have this subliminal vibes that make people "feel close" to us even just on the first meeting. I get that too a lot. And I've been using it in business. Great instant rapport-building skill. But as to the development of meaningful relationships and achieving real intimacy, that still escapes me. I think this is what my therapist keeps saying is what will develop over time as I heal because it is a subconscious process. It starts with breaking the cycle of the cultic thought patterns and behavior. We were trained to say "I love you" without feeling it. We were trained to "give love", hugs and kisses to veritable strangers. We were trained to have sex with men we didn't even know, much less like. We were trained to suppress our feelings if they did not help the cause (all but guilt and fear). We were trained to use sex as a weapon. But it was used against us. We were used and abused. Little wonder why we all have issues with intimacy. And love? For my child, I know I feel that. For my family and true friends, I know I feel that too. Those are intact. But for a significant other? I have yet to experience that. It also goes back to the life stage that I missed which I spent in the fam. My early adulthood years when meaningful relationships should have been established.
Being aware of all this is the first step to recovery. Denying our past, as I've done for years, keeps us from taking that journey. It's a daily struggle, but as I break each shackle of our cultic training, the more freedom I allow myself to express my feelings and to experience LIFE at its fullest. It's not all going to be roses, for such is life, but at least I know that I am at last in control.
