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In Reply to: speaking of sexuality........... posted by goth88 on November 01, 2002 at 20:58:18:
I've had that happen several times, where someone will tell me, 'You are so easy to talk to...'
But sexuality is a different subject. I still have problems with it, I am more inhibited. I am the type that when something is pushed on me or I am pressured into it, I eventually rebel and turn completely against it. Sex was such an ever-present pressure in our lives in the group, and infiltrated almost every writing we read, there was almost always some insinuation or comment or reference to sex, or 'sexy women' or whatever, that it was ever-present in our minds, and undoubtedly our subconscious minds.
About the subconscious effects:
I have never considered myself beautiful, nor do I make efforts to be sexy. And I'm not bragging to say this, but I have been told several times that I am quite sexy. I read a bit about it, and what I seemed to discover is that it's not necessarily about beauty, but about your inner vibes, or what you are sending out to people. I wondered if it (was) an unconscious effect of my daily 'spiritual' intake, and it was coming out of me without realising it.
Back to your post, 'we were all trained to access people's psyche for the cause of the Family..'--
Yes, most definitely true. That was one major thing I had to get over when I left. I backed out of society, became a recluse, cause I was so tired of everywhere I going, everyone I talked to, every contact I had with anyone was a show, it was not the real me. I was on-stage, 'letting my light shine' and a witness always. For about a year I hated going out in public, talking to people, making contact with strangers.
Even in the group I rarely made true and deep friends to whom I could just talk to. Friendships didn't go very deep cause of the fear that you were 'spreading doubts and the devil's lies' or that you were wasting your precious time in vain babbling, or that the person would report something you said to the shepherds and you would be in trouble.
I am thankful to say there was a small handful of true friends for me in the group, as I look back I realise that if they hadn't been there I would have gone nuts with loneliness.
I don't like intimacy, I still have problems with it, even with my husband. We can talk very deeply, he is my best friend, but I don't get intimate with him about things. I also don't like affection very much, I don't like to be patted or hugged or things like that. I feel like someone is stepping into my private world. I try to make an effort to give my kids hugs and cuddles and all those mommy things so they won't lack in that area, but it is difficult for me to receive it. I also don't like the words 'I love you', and I don't use them often, even with my dearly beloved siblings. They just don't come out naturally, they were too overused and worn out and so fakey for many years.
I decided one day that I would say it when I really and truly meant it, and then I had to define what love meant to me.
Sorry for rambling.
