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In Reply to: Some thoughts on your food for thought posted by Donny on October 16, 2002 at 21:36:37:
Welll, this is heavy stuff!And thanks for sharing that! I left the family with 40, and went back to Germany with my Indian mate. My eldest three had left earlier and I had four more with me. On our first Christmas here I had six kids ( of seven) around our table. It was great, but also tough with support, they did not speak the language and neither did my mate. Now 4 and a half years later I look back and think - wow what a roller coaster ride. Now we have only two kids, have both permanent employment ( I went back to school to learn a job) and my mate is planning on taking some courses abroad next year. I have been through lots - and being in this country we are pretty isolated from other ex-members which makes it even tougher. However - finding professional help is also hard, I just found someone in Germany through one of your links!!
Hey, hangovers from Family thinking? Oh boy, I was in it for 23 years ( all my youth and young adult age) and left because all the kids were finally out- thank God! but some stuff does crop up - I feel sometimes under terrible work/performance pressure. I was on ff-ing and on OR until before I left. Yes, ff-ing. It had not really stopped in some cases. And I was on the run as a mom of seven almost non-stop running for support in a 3rd world field!! Insane, really! Not that I could relax at all , since we left with nothing , but at least I see where I am under pressure when I do not need to be. Also remember the famous Shangri-La doctrine - you leave and get old and ugly?- And drop dead? As a woman over 40 that is quite a battle in my brain sometimes, though - thank God - people still often wonder that I have seven kids, I sometimes look younger than women my age in this place, and even that puts me through a trial as in ' maybe the Family life was not so bad?- though I know it was total crap and my kids are suffering now from some of the after effects? Maybe I was just young and could take the pressure but now....sometimes I wish I could just go somewhere for a looooong break and get my brain straightend out. I am sure I have thought patterns subconsciously which I have just not detected, but some I reject clearly - like the famous 'as long as you are poor and struggling you are ok. spritually' - quote. I could just kick myself for not having left earlier. I love my kids, but lost one marriage and my entire youth to that group with no finances to fall back on. It seems that the battles now would not be so severe. But being the hard - headed German that I am....I guess I took years of abuse and down-beating and nonsense from leaders because I must have thought that I deserved it somehow! Anyway , I am glad we made it out. And that we did not wait until we are older ( 44 and 39). There is still life ahead of us.
