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In Reply to: stages....ray posted by reposted by Karen on August 04, 2002 at 06:32:36:
I have been following this thread since it started and have been waiting for anyone to respond, but no one has. I haven't had time until now, so I would like to share a couple of my own experiences.
When I was going through all the emotional aftermath of being out of the Family (I don't say leaving because we were actually booted out), I didn't realize at the time that I was actually going through a grieving process. It wasn't until I read some articles by Michael Langone in one of the Cultic Studies Journals that I began to understand this. But when I read about it, I understood it so well, and it also helped me to understand my children, too.
Most of us who are exmembers have suffered a lot of loss - initially for some who cut all family and friendship ties to devote their lives to serving God, but then when leaving there was the same loss of everyone who had become your family and friends, the loss of time and purpose, the loss of idealism, the loss of self when you realized how far from the real you you had become, and the loss of self-worth when you realized how far you were from what the Lord really wanted you to be. For some, the loss of the spouses or children in the Family.
I grieved for a long time without knowing what was wrong with me. I cried for my children and for what some of them had gone through and continue to go through because of my life decisions. I cried for the lack of direction in my own life. I cried because my husband and I could not talk about any of it, and other than the day to day survival issues, we just didn't seem to have anything in common any more (this has changed, thank God!).
I think that the biggest issue for me was condemnation. When I realized how far from the truth of the Bible we had come and how perverted our lifestyle was from what the Lord wanted, I was very devastated. Then when I realized that some exmembers understood this and left, and I had to wait until we got kicked out to see the truth, I felt condemned even more! Condmenation was smacking me in the face on a daily basis. I repented of my past sins a hundred times a day - the same ones over and over, ha! It took a long time for me to understand that the Lord loved ME very much and forgave ME. Forgiving myself was even harder. I think that is a real key factor - being able to forgive yourself.
I was angry for awhile, but more angry at myself for believing and following the lies, not for believing God, but for belieiving the lies. I think the most anger I felt was when I went to church one Sunday and saw Big Josh there across the lobby trying to sell the "Back to the Basics" book to one of the ladies of the church. I was shocked at my reaction - I was very overcome with anger. I wanted to reach out and touch someone, if you know what I mean!
All that to say this, I do think we go through a grieving process, and as in all grieving, there are stages and everyone goes through them at a different time. Some stay at one stage longer than another. Disbelief, venting, anger, acceptance of what has happened, finding a source of comfort, and then adapting your life to the changes are all parts of the healing process. When someone gets stuck in one stage and can't seem to progress, it's what is called, in nursing, dysfunctional grieving. I think you are right, Ray, that we cannot expect to never experience anger over the past things that were suffered or over the teachings, but that at some point the grip of those emotions should loosen up so we can experience healing.
