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In Reply to: Is masturbation truly the highest form of praise? posted by Family Man on July 17, 2002 at 00:25:12:
Dear Family Man,
Sorry it's taken me six months to get back to your question, but we've had to run your questions by several teams of lawyers before answering (at a cost of $43,000) only to find out that your questions do not involve legal issues and are basically no-brainers.
I've been told you backslid from the Home shortly after writing your questions. Is this true? I hope not, because you asked such good questions. I especially liked the way you groveled before me while asking. It shows real humility. As you said, Family members are like dogs under the table and after King Peter and I finished eating, we wanted to throw a few crumbs to you.
I was about to tell you my usual one-liners I give Family members, like, "So sorry to hear about your problems." Or "Good question. Mat.9:29, just as long as you keep tithing."
But Peter pointed out that you had asked some very good questions and that my normal Ivory Tower could-care-less approach was maybe not what was needed here. Though it's really all Family members deserve. Since Peter himself has always wondered when his "ugly old dong" will be transformed into a tight cute you-know-what, he urged me to pray and get an answer. I then masturbated (as we always do to encourage prophecy) and here is a the 4-hour tape of what came:
"Ohhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh, that feels so good! Mmmmmmm! Ahhhhh! Oh yes, a little to the left. No, no, to the right. Ahhh ahhhhhhhh! Oh! I can't stand it! MOOOOoooooooOOOAaaaaaan! Ahhhh! Unhhhh! ah ah ah OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Well, there you have your answer. We hope this helps you. Please feel free to share the above with other members of your Home who might have similar questions. Although it might not be wise to share it with system relatives, perhaps you could do so prayerfully, as led in specific instances.
Peter was particularly inspired by the "Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Revolution" and wanted you to know that your question has inspired a powerful new Tool-become-Sword that will help our PR Spokespersons in their daily battle to refute the Enemy's lies.
Thanks for your faithfulness, Mommy maria.
