Is masturbation truly the highest form of praise?

Dear Mommy maria,

I love to practice the LRJ. I get a hardon just from reading your love Letters and enjoy thinking of being in Heaven with you forever learning at your feet. When I think of an eternity listening to you and Dad, I start to cry. I just want to be like the little doggie under the table that eats the crumbs from my master's hands. woof woof.

Mommy maria, I have a question. Oh,it's not a doubt or anything because I truly do love the LJR and masturbating to Jesus and everything, but I was wondering: if masturbation to Jesus is the highest form of praise does that mean when we all get to Heaven we'll be masturbating before the Throne of God?

I know we have a sexy God like Dad said and all that, and like I said this isn't a doubt or anything, and I really think we need to teach those churchy Christians how to masturbate (ha! break their bottles!) but I really do wonder if that's what we'll be doing. It seems to make sense and I'm very excited about it, but I have to confess that I'm also a little worried.

I guess what I'm wondering also is, if on earth we men have to pretend we have vaginas and that Jesus is nailing us, then does that mean in Heaven that it'll ACTUALLY HAPPEN? Not that I'm worried or wouldn't like it, but it's just a question I have.

I was also wondering if this sex would happen in public, like say before the throne of God? Or would it be private like our present masturbation worship services are, in the privacy of our own bedrooms. Not that I'd mind if it was public, but it's just a question I have.

I have another question, and it's sort of related as you'll see. You said that men just had "ugly old dongs" but that it'd be better if we could imagine we had spiritual vaginas. If we all actually WILL have vaginas in Heaven, when will we get them? Does this happen during the Rapture "in the twinkling of an eye when we are all changed." Does this change to a new body also involve a sex change? Not that I would mind or anything, but it's something I was wondering about.

I have another question: if I save my manhood and leave the Family, like, right now and flush all your truly insane sex Letters down the toilet before I go, and there's so much shit in your letters that they stop up the toilet and the toilet overflows all over the Home floor, would that be considered an act of sabotage? Or would it be seen as an accident? Not that I really care but I just wanted to ask.