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In Reply to: I am ok with Ray's questions, they seem fair to me posted by Rocky repost of Ray's next Q on July 11, 2002 at 12:23:34:
Re: re question repost from below
Posted By: Rocky
Date: Thursday, 11 July 2002, at 12:12 p.m.
In Response To: re question repost from below (ray)
Thanks Ray:
I'll try to be more specific Ray, sorry:
I think we as male members of the family, when using a spiritual, word based approach to victims have to be harmless as doves. My healing was helped through the Word, particularly as shared by my wife.
In other words if we want to encourage victims through the word we have to make sure of a couple of things.
1. We are sure that they know we have acknowledged the abuse happened, was criminal and that it is difficult to deal with.
2. They know that we care and there is some trust
3. Our use of the word is motivated for support and not pushing the victim to "get over it".
4. I agree with you that there are some amazing things in the Word on overcomers. For me Job is very interesting. The whole book is about Job's process to draw closer to the almighty. Many chapters are about his soul searching to understand his relationship with God. I am not saying victims are like Job. The illustration I draw is that it took Job some time to reach peace. I guess you could really question his friends at times but it may be they were close enough to him that open debate was possible and did not make Job withdraw. In forums with male survivors we challenge each other but there are lines of trust. We often share the word with each other but respectfully and only when invited or the subject comes up. Sometimes I do not think crossfire is a safe enough environment to do such a process. Perhaps we should have a support group board or something for that.
5. Point of interest. My therapist who is very familiar with Jesus, did not really challenge me to make progress in any way for more than a year. All of her challenges were question based ie: What do you think on this issue Ross? Can we do something on this yet? Perhaps if a victim was comfortable with me as a supporter I might ask something. How are you doing with the Lord on this? If they are comfortable it may lead into sharing the appropriate word.
6. As a victim sorting out my issues I needed to feel secure. My wife could challenge me and share word with me because she had clearly demonstrated to me that she never intended to hurt or minimize what happened. We had some tough talks but they helped the process.
7. You are right it is tricky. I often was very angry with God because, as with the family, my abuse was tied in with spiritual values. I was in the care of Catholic clergy, family victims were in a religious cult. Mo's doctrines on child sexual abuse absolutely crushed my soul. I wanted to kill myself over it. Only the Love of God and my friends constrained me. If someone, albeit, caringly had of tried to push me at that time in my life I would have had a complete breakdown I think. We as male ex members may have very little credibility in the eyes of female victims. Further complicating the issue is that FFing and Bergs teaching put males in the role of offender victims or at least as participants in the culture of abuse that the family generated. How that piece ever gets untangled will take miracles. Using the Word to comfort others and draw examples from is useful but how to do it is an individual thing I think.
8. Using the word has to be loving and supportive. I think the psalms have great value in that they speak to overcoming adversity. The venting process is very difficult for victims but most important. If we demonstrate a consistent attitude of listening, respect, acknowledging and support a victim may allow us to share our Word views on recovery.
As you know Ray, this issue is very important to many of us I think. Your question may have pressured some people but consider the following.. The first thing I ask myself as a victim is Where is this person coming from? Do they care? Are they willing to hear me or are they just preaching from their own agenda? If a person really cares it will show over time. Lots can happen when the lines of trust are clearly established and are real.I also think most of us at times cannot quite believe what happened to us. The abuse and sex doctrines are so personal and terrible in their impact that we all struggle with them I feel. No matter how intense we get I hope that we can demonstrate that we are ready to support and care for each other. The women were the biggest targets of the abuse and bore the burden of it all beyond what we can ever really appreciate. I think we must never forget that fact when we try support through the Word. I do not know what else to say other than I will try to understand and share what I know.
GBY Rocky
