Posted by anovagrrl on August 11, 2003 at 10:01:31
In Reply to: Re: How's your sex life? posted by Laura on August 09, 2003 at 10:33:29:
I was in the COG between 1973-75. I met my ex-husband in TF. I had quite a lot of sexual experience before joining, and welcomed being in a space where I didn't feel compelled to be active. During the time & place I joined, singles didn't have sexual relationships.
I liked my ex for that reason--he never pressured me. In fact, we didn't engage in sex until we agreed to marry--several months after traveling on the road together, even sleeping together at times in the same bed.
I doubt seriously I would have gotten together with my ex if we hadn't been in TF. I got pregnant right away. By the time my twins were born, we were out of TF. After a while it became evident to me that my ex wasn't as interested in sex as I was. I was doing good if we hooked up once every six weeks. For several years I attributed the lack of sexual activity in my marriage to having the kids, my ex returning to school, working full time, etc.
I became a devout Catholic. This helped me stay committed and faithful. I sublimated my sex drive into my spiritual "work," particularly my meditation practice. During my 30s I fantasized about getting a dispensation to enter a convent when I reached middle age and my kids were emancipated.
We rarely had sex, and when we did, it was always because I initiated it. My ex would say, "sex is a hassle" or "I believe the woman should initiate sex." I became angrier and angrier. There was no talking with him about it. It was like talking to a wall--nothing, no response. If I became too confrontational, he became even more distant and cold.
I grew increasingly frustrated with my marriage. I used to lay awake at night thinking about the "perfect" way to kill my ex and get away with it, and then tell myself I had an overactive imagination and watched too much television. Why would I want to kill my husband? I "loved" him.
I sometimes thought my loveless marriage was my punishment for being so sexually active as a young adult. If I had stayed in the family, I probably would have gotten into FFing. I can remember making the argument once that I would turn tricks to get the money I needed for plane fare to Europe, because "to the pure, all things are pure." The shepherd in that home rebuked me for talking like that. I just shrugged my shoulders. The shepherd in another home hit on me, and when I refused his advances, he suggested that I get a job so I could earn my plane fare. TF is rife with contradiction.
Finally, in my early 40s, I became aware that I had feelings for women. I suppose this was a reconstruction of the convent fantasy from my 30s. Basically, I fell in love with a woman. Why? She listened to me, talked to me, engaged emotionally with me, made me laugh, made me feel wanted and desirable. It didn't really matter that she was a woman. It could have as easily been a man, except I was very, very angry at men because of the way my exhuband treated me.
Truth be told, I have always had a healthy libido--just not always a healthy respect for myself and my emotional needs. I left the marriage determined to explore my sexuality and a graduate degree. After six years of self-discovery through intimate relationships with women, I met a man who arouses me intellectually, emotionally, and physically.
Neither one of us are religious. We got married this year. Our sex life is great.