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The Children of God
The Inside Story By The Daughter Of The Founder, Moses David Berg by Deborah (Linda Berg) Davis with Bill Davis, 1984
Bill and I had been out of the movement about three years, desperately trying to restructure our lives and forget the past; but the past refused to remain silent, because the "past" was very much a part of our present lives and the lives of my children—especially Joyanne, my firstborn, who had been influenced the most. As we endeavored to change our lifestyle and shed the habits of the COG, Joyanne did not at all wish to do so. She saw no need to change: life in the COG was all she had ever known. I was insensitive to this fact and did not understand her reasoning; since I was rejecting the standards of the COG, I felt that she should automatically follow my leading and change with us. Joyanne's rejection of my authority as her mother and her disrespect infuriated me. Her defiance became the cause of intense frustration. Inwardly I became very angry. I wanted to lash out at her violently. I remember one incident specifically. I was putting away clothes in her bedroom and discovered in the bottom of her dresser a collection of over one hundred empty cigarette boxes. She had been secretly collecting them to make a pyramid in her room. I had strictly forbidden her to smoke cigarettes, yet she was smoking in deliberate defiance of me, while to my face denying all association with smoking. It was ever so clear that she had been lying to me for a long time. Although I did not smoke, I was unaware that other aspects of my personal life were giving her license to smoke and do as she pleased, what parents allow in moderation, children excuse in excess. On my birthday I decided to make a stand. I was going to "let her have it" and get things straightened out once and for all."How dare you do such a thing in my house! I'll have none of it! And what's more, you'd better never do it again, or you'll be sorry! And as far as the way you dress, it is nothing less than disgusting! How could you be so disrespectful to me! What do others think?. . ." I pulled out all the stops. Oh, it was horrible! It was the worst thing I could have ever done. But why did I do that? Why did I react that way? In the following six months the answer came—painfully slow, yet painfully clear. Through her rebellious behavior, Joyanne was illuminating my failure as a mother. She was like a neon light walking around my home, flashing in bright colors, "Look at what a failure you are. See the result of your mistakes! See the consequence of your sin. You have failed as a mother!" My guilt over the past was already at flood level, but this was more than I could bear. My one desire in life had been to be the "perfect mother," and instead I had succeeded in being the worst. In the COG I created my own schools for my children wherever we went. I always tried to give them the best education available. I even followed "God's Prophet" in order to give them the best spiritual training. But it had all been in vain. Consequently, I wanted to wipe away the past and immediately start over again and begin doing things right. Then the frightening reality began to sink in: all those years of exposure to the sin and error of the cult was not going to be wiped away like chalk from a blackboard. The effects of sin had become visible marks on the character of my children. How could I live with the horror of that? So I panicked. Life had been one nightmare after another, but this was too much. What could I do? Watching Joyanne everyday was like having alcohol poured into an open wound; the pain of guilt was so intense that I experienced an agony of soul I never dreamed possible. How could I be such a failure? Then pride came to my rescue. Pride has an inherent ability to cover over sin and guilt. Pride gives way to bitterness, which is the opposite of mercy. A response of bitterness is an instinctive means of revenge toward the one we feel has wronged us. And that is precisely what my attitude toward Joyanne reflected. I began to react to her, to lash out, criticize, scorn, and reject. She had become an object of my guilt. The more I reacted, the deeper grew her own resentment—instinctively she knew I was rejecting her. The more I rejected her, the more she rebelled. It was a vicious circle to which I was totally oblivious. Thus an incredible tension formed within me. I deeply loved Joyanne, yet my sense of guilt was driving me from her, and her from me. On the one hand I desperately wanted to help her and love her; on the other, my guilt and pride led me to reject her. Beneath it all, my guilt was causing me to reject myself. What a mess! The greatest need of teenagers is acceptance and unconditional love, and that is precisely what I was not giving. When her frustration became too great, she began to reject me as well. One morning I found a note on her door. It was the saddest day of my life. At age seventeen, she had moved out. My desire to be the perfect mother had ended in a nightmare. Instead of seeing perfection, my oldest child had rejected me. No doubt my other children would do likewise, and rightly so. I was the problem, not my daughter. I had a responsibility to love her no matter what she did, what she said, or what type of clothes she wore or didn't wear. I was incapable of showing love and compassion because I was not showing mercy. And I was incapable of showing mercy because I had not yet experienced the mercy of God. An enigma surrounds human love. We possess an inability to act out fully what we know is right. Even as parents we are often unable to love our children as we know we should. Sin inhibits the full expression of our love. My sin and guilt had created an impenetrable wall between Joyanne and me. What would tear down that wall? God had to take me beyond my sense of guilt and bring me face to face with my sin. For me to be a whole person capable of loving my own daughter, God had to remove my guilt; otherwise pride would keep me a prisoner indefinitely. As best as I can explain it, I came to a deeper understanding of what Christ had done for me in dying for my sins. The reality of salvation in Jesus Christ took hold in my life in a way I had never known. There was no possible way for me to hold onto my guilt. Christ, in His mercy, had borne my sin on Calvary, including my incredible failure as a mother. It was mercy in incredible magnitude. It was realizing God's mercy in my life that freed me to love. That was what destroyed the wall between Joyanne and me. I had been judging my daughter because of my sin. Therefore I couldn't forgive her or love her or show mercy to her. I myself had been resisting the mercy of God. But when I accepted His mercy, the guilt, fear, depression, anxiety, and bitterness went away. Mercy is the gateway to peace and love and harmony. This truth brought a peace and rest in my soul that has never left; it has carried me through many trials. Things began to change in me from that time. I had experienced a kind of emotional death, but also a new birth; yet much suffering still awaited me. My wrong attitudes and rejection of Joyanne had taken their toll. She had been deeply wounded, and she completely shut me out of her life as a result. Although this was very painful and sad for me, it was a new kind of suffering; it had a purpose that made it bearable. The Bible records that Jesus learned obedience through the things that He suffered (Hebrews 5:8-9). I too began to learn through suffering. I was at peace with my daughter in my heart. There was no hindrance to the love I now felt. I was no longer hurt by the wrong things she did, or the offensive things she said. The hurt caused by pride, and my embarrassment over my failings, was altogether gone. God had indeed set me free to love her. It was a joyous experience. I believe I began to regard her as God does—with love and compassion. God is deeply wounded by our sin, but that in no wise affects His love toward us. For the very first time in my life, I began to love my daughter as God loves her. An important step for me at this time, was to ask Joyanne's forgiveness. I asked her to forgive me for the ways I had failed her as a mother, and for the times I had offended her by wrong and bitter attitudes. I also asked her forgiveness for the divorce from Jethro, her father, and confessed it as sin. I explained that though I could do nothing to change the past, I was aware of how much pain it had brought her. It is hard to ask your child for forgiveness, but it reaps great dividends. I had quite a long list of things to be forgiven; I don't suppose most parents would have such a long list as mine. Nevertheless, as parents, we need to be aware that just because we undergo a big change, it doesn't necessarily mean that a son or daughter will follow suit. I thought everyone else would change because I did. Not so. It may be a long time before my daughter feels the way I do, but that is not the most important thing. The relationship may be a one-way street for a while—perhaps years—but even that has hidden blessings. God will build character in a parent during those years; it takes a teenager a long time to overcome those hurts. I don't know when Joyanne will ever fully forgive me; but I must not get discouraged over time. The manifestation of the answer to prayer and the restoration of fellowship must be placed in the hands of a sovereign God. On March 23, 1982, I confronted a new crisis. Joyanne left the United States to live with the Children of God in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Having viewed the reactions of parents from inside the cult for ten years, I was now to experience the agony of a parent whose child is lured into cultic oblivion. For many days I was in a state of shock. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. It had been more than four years since I had left the movement, and I thought I would be able to cover up my entire past, bury all my previous experiences in the sands of history, and go about my own private, personal life. Not so. Of all my nine children, Joyanne has been the most cruelly injured by the Children of God experience. She was only four years old when I decided to follow my dad in Huntington Beach; she was fourteen when we left the COG behind in Caracas. The COG was the only life she had ever known. When we suddenly left and were labeled enemies and misfits by those still in the cult, Joyanne just couldn't understand. Life quickly became a matter of survival, as opposed to the glorious, excitement-filled days when we were the "big leaders" in God's Endtime Movement! In a blitzkrieg of experiences, we went from a thirteen-bedroom house in Lima, Peru, to a dirty campground in Southern California where we lived in tents for six months. Joyanne lost everything she held dear: her friends, her school, her singing career, and her position as "Princess," the granddaughter of the King. Her view of reality was shattered. During the next four years, Joyanne never quite came to grips with the past. Then on March 7, 1982, she turned eighteen—a day she had been waiting for. She determined to strike out on her own and see for herself what the COG was really like. She felt she had been forced to leave the movement; it had not been her choice. Two weeks after her birthday, she took a flight to Miami en route to Puerto Rico. A man from Peru, a friend of hers and a casual member of the COG, bought Joyanne's plane ticket. I suddenly found myself going through the same trauma that thousands of other parents have experienced. I was angry. Haven't I suffered enough? I fumed. Me of all people! Wasn't I doing my best to come out of the COG? Haven't we wasted enough of our lives in that movement without Joyanne throwing her life away as well? How dare she! How can God allow this? How can He do this to me? With my anger I felt resentment and hurt. I was hurt because it seemed God wasn't being fair. I said to myself, It was too good to be true. I knew we would never get out of that cult. We will suffer for the rest of our lives. First it will be Joyanne, then John, then the next one, and so on. Looking back on this now, I'm almost amused at my train of thought. It's ironic. God always gets the blame. Everything is His fault. Bitterness and blaming God usually go underground after a while and bury themselves somewhere in the subconscious. Then come guilt, feelings of failure and discouragement, and depression. What a parent does at this point varies. There exists an infinite spectrum of reactions. In many cases, the experience short-circuits the person, and life becomes one big question mark. What is happening? Why did she leave? Doesn't she know it's wrong? Where's God? My ex-husband and I talked about the situation, and we decided we should go to Puerto Rico to talk to Joyanne. I felt it was worth a try; perhaps there was something to be achieved by it; yet I knew there was nothing I could do one way or the other to prevent her from doing what she wanted. I felt extremely guilty that I hadn't shared with her the truth about the Family. We had been out four years, and I had never explained to her the evil things that were happening. As a Princess, she was sheltered even within the cult, and did not live as ordinary disciples did. In the back of my mind, I believed the COG would not be able to get her to kowtow to their totalitarian way of life; but I also recognized that the cult is full of once strong-willed youth who fell prey to the lure of sin. Despite Joyanne's independent spirit, I feared the power of the COG's subtle indoctrination. If she were around it long enough, the possibility existed that she might surrender her will to it. I sensed we didn't have much time, whatever we were going to do. So we flew to Puerto Rico. Before we left, Jethro contacted a private detective in San Juan through the Yellow Pages, and gave him all the information we had gathered about COG activities in Puerto Rico. He proved to be perfect for the task of finding Joyanne. By the time we arrived there, the detective agency was able to ascertain the addresses of several COG Colonies. Within three hours, we were peering through binoculars at their main leadership Colony. (In spite of myself, I felt as if we were playing out scenes from a James Bond thriller—it was most exciting.) As we studied the Colony under cover of darkness, I could see through the windows many faces I had known and loved for many years. But no Joyanne. The next day we followed a lead to find another Colony located far out in the countryside, seventy miles from San Juan. After a great deal of inquiry, we found out from the only gas station in that small town the name of a person who was a personal friend of "those nice people who are always singing and playing guitars and have lots of children." He offered to lead us to the Colony. We suspected it might be a wild goose chase, but he was true to his word. Just before we reached the Colony, we told him to go on without us; we dared not be seen by any Family members, or our mission would fail. We spied on this Colony all day long, but still we saw no sign of Joyanne. Predictably, our guide betrayed us. When he reached the Colony ahead of us, he mentioned the "two Americans." He described us to the members of the Family, and immediately the phones started ringing from one end of the island to the other. Word got back to the top leadership that someone fitting Deborah and Jethro's description was snooping around the COG. Joyanne was instructed to phone home and ask for her mom and dad. When she did, of course we were not available. She called my husband, Bill, and asked him directly, "Are mom and dad here looking for me?" The irony grew, for even while she was talking to Bill I was calling home on our two-party line—so Bill had Joyanne on one line, and me on the other. In other circumstances, it would have been quite humorous. Confirming that we were indeed looking for her, Joyanne agreed to meet us the next day at a donut shop in a large shopping center. That night I prayed for guidance as to what to say, how to react, and what to do. During our flight to San Juan, I was filled with trauma and suspense. I didn't know whether we would find her, or whether she would even speak to us if we did—perhaps we were simply wasting thousands of dollars on a lark. I also had no idea what COG members might do, for we were regarded as enemies of the Prophet. Jethro cautioned me never to go anywhere alone. Our rendezvous with Joyanne was set for early Sunday morning. Our detective had three cars posted with walkie-talkies in the parking lot and on the street. Just a few minutes before rendezvous time, three carloads of security police pulled into the parking lot to buy their traditional Sunday morning coffee and donuts. Since Sunday mornings are usually a very quiet time in Puerto Rico, the sight of the security police in the nearly deserted shopping mall was outrageous. Just then we heard over the walkie-talkie that three vehicles bearing COG members were approaching and Joyanne was riding in a van. The vehicles drove slowly past the donut shop and kept on going. My heart sank as I feared the sight of all the police might have frightened them off. But they circled back and pulled into the parking lot. I was sitting in the shop with the key detective when Joyanne walked in. She looked around at all the police and said, "Good grief, Dad, did you have to bring an army with you?" We laughed and exchanged rather stiff greetings and agreed to move to a comfortable hotel lobby to talk. Neither Joyanne nor the COG trusted us, and the disciples refused to leave her alone with us, fearing we would try to kidnap her. That night she returned to her Colony and promised to meet with us again the next day. We met early in the morning again, and by the end of the day, enough mutual trust had been established that she agreed to spend the night with me. I had no intention of bringing her back against her will. On the contrary, I simply wanted to talk to her and tell her that she was getting into a lot more than she realized. I wanted to let her know that we loved her, and that she was always welcome home regardless of her decisions and actions. I was armed with all the recent Mo Letters in order to present as convincing an argument as possible. I marked the passages that talked about evil things I knew she would find disgusting. I concentrated on the sexual abuse of children. My strategy was to sow as many doubts about the COG as I could. I would pinpoint every flaw I could think of. Then, I felt, after we were gone, she would see the evidence of these things back in the Colonies. We had to treat her as an individual free to make her own choices. I knew it would be a very critical time in her life—one of choosing—and as parents, we had to play our part and respect her sense of individuality. We had to respect her rights and opinions. I was careful to show how the COG deprives people of their individuality, seeks to control their lives, confines them to a set of restrictive rules, and programs them to be mindless robots. She had left home to find her individuality, so I did my best to show her that the Children of God is the antithesis of it. The thought that Joyanne might choose to stay with the cult never left my mind; I was frightened beyond measure. If she chose to stay, it could be five or even ten years until time and circumstances forced her to leave. There would follow the painful years of recovery and depression such as I had felt, and frustration over having been so foolish as to waste her life in a cult. As we sat together in a hotel room in San Juan, I studied her face and saw clearly her pain and confusion—her desire to know herself and find meaning in life and reconciliation with the past. Suddenly I felt abandoned and helpless. There was nothing more I could do for her. She was totally beyond my reach as a parent. There was every chance she would plunge headlong into the nightmare of perversion, deceit, futility, and suffering, and I was helpless to stop her. The frightening thought haunted me: It's all my fault. I had read many stories about Christians who suffered under the Communists, and I was reminded of one in particular about a boy who was tortured to death in front of his father. Years after the incident, it was said, the look of horror was still on that poor father's face. The father had been powerless to help his son. I now felt that same sense of lostness and lack of power. God, I thought, are You really going to allow this? After all that I have gone through, are You going to let Joyanne throw her life away in this godforsaken movement? Even if my life has been ruined, why hers? Couldn't you save her? Won't you save her? At that point, my relationship with God took a critical turn. There were several truths I had to face if I were to continue to live as a Christian. First, the time had come to stop blaming God and to start trusting in Him. Second, I had to acknowledge that Joyanne's situation was a consequence of my own sin. Third, my selfish concern over Joyanne and my disinterest toward the thousands of youths still in the COG was very displeasing in God's sight. I realized that God is not a Being whose arm can be twisted by prayer—even cries of desperation. He was infinitely more aware of the evil that awaited Joyanne in the cult than I was. God's concern for Joyanne was righteous, but what about mine? Was my concern based on right motives? Was I motivated by guilt, embarrassment, or pride? Before I could even begin to petition God in her behalf, there were several accounts that had to be settled between Him and me. During my four years outside the cult, very few people in my community knew who I was. I simply wanted to forget the Children of God and everything they represented, but Joyanne wouldn't allow that. I became concerned only when she ran away to live with the COG—a selfish motive indeed. I was unwilling to face the fact that I had helped to bring the movement into being. I wanted God's help now with Joyanne, but was I willing to help all the others trapped in the cult? Was I praying for the state of their souls? The answer was a cold No. The thought came to me that perhaps I could strike a bargain with God. But I realized how foolish that was. What did I have to bargain with? By her actions, Joyanne was saying, "Mom, it's over. I'm no longer your child. Your responsibility as my mother, to bring me up right, to tell me what to do, and all the other things a mom does for her child is finished. Those years were spent following God's Prophet, Mom. It's over." Joyanne had severed the cord six months earlier when she ran away from home. In my heart I wanted desperately to turn back the clock, to erase the failures, the wasted years. I was the mother of a child who was no longer a child. She was a person groping, searching for the key that would set her free from the misery life had become. Yet I believe Joyanne didn't really want to join the Children of God anymore than I did. She was there because she wanted answers; she wanted peace; and amid all the confusion that started for us four years earlier, she thought that perhaps there she would find the missing key. I wept that night in Puerto Rico; for Joyanne, for Jethro, for my other children who couldn't understand why Joyanne had run away; for the thousands of youth both in and out of the COG who were as lost and confused as my own daughter. I no longer feared for Joyanne's welfare or whether she would leave or join. That night I sensed in a special way the presence of a living Savior who knows our need and feels our pain. Something very powerful was beginning to move in my understanding of God and life. It was awareness that God is very much in control. In an hour of trial, Jesus revealed the peace and confidence that God gives in times like this. When the chief priests, elders, and captains of the temple came to take Him in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus said to them, "Have you come out as against a robber, with swords and clubs? ... but this is your hour, and the power of darkness" (Luke 22:52-53 RSV). This "hour" was part of His destiny. Though they took Him away to be crucified, He was the victor. Though Satan and the powers of darkness seemed to be in control, God was in command. The cultic experience is no different. When a person joins a cult, it appears that the cult is all-powerful. It is not; it is only "their hour, and the power of darkness." It is important that, at the same time we recognize the evil of the cults, we realize that, as did Christ, we have access to a much greater power. A parent must keep in mind the Eternal, the overall plan of God, which will see the ultimate triumph over evil. Satan is allowed a free hand in certain situations, but only for a season. I am a living testimony to the power of God. I am proof that it is possible for anyone, no matter how deeply they are involved in evil, to walk again as a whole person, perfectly free in mind, body, and soul. Satan is allowed a free hand in certain situations—we see his power in the cults; yet it is only for an hour, a season. Evil has ultimately been defeated. When a son or daughter joins a cult, parents must recognize that they themselves are in a conflict with evil; they too will pass through their Garden of Gethsemane, and the victorious are those who share in the victory of Christ. Jesus knew the true reality of His situation; He called it "their hour and the power of darkness." He did not call down legions of angels to defend Him; His power was in a totally different sphere. He went silently, meekly—and most important—alone to His death. Consequently, He went to His crucifixion a conqueror. There, alone in my room, I felt the presence of a Savior who understood my agony, who was trying to say to me, "But this is their hour. Do not look at the outward appearance of evil; look upon the eternal plan of God." Christ had indeed triumphed at Calvary despite the power of darkness; and He was trying to assure me that He was most capable of triumphing in the life of my own daughter, despite my failures. As I thought about these things and wept, my prayer for Joyanne changed. I prayed not so much for her deliverance from the COG as for her salvation. I prayed that God would become her Reality. I began to thank God for what was happening. I had learned much about Joyanne and about myself, about her real needs and my real failings. By the time I returned home from Puerto Rico, I had decided to write this book, regardless of what Joyanne did. I had a duty to fulfill, and a debt to pay. My children, and society in general, would learn the truth about the Children of God and Moses David. I could no longer bury my head in the sand, and hide behind pride and guilt and fear, knowing that to expose the cult would expose me. My ex-husband and I boarded the plane for Miami, leaving Joyanne there in Puerto Rico with the Children of God. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do; I did not know whether I would ever see her again. It was a beautiful, sunny day. A gentle breeze lifted the waves in the California surf to just the right size for summer fun. Then, as the sun-tanned bathers laughed and splashed in careless joy, everyone was stunned to a chilling silence by the desperate cries of a drowning youth. He appeared from the shore to be about eighteen or nineteen years old. His father and mother rushed to the water's edge. The mother began to scream frantically for the lifeguard to help. He was at her side in minutes. But instead of plunging into the water, he simply folded his arms and watched the helpless boy. Everyone was amazed. The father cried in a pathetic voice, "Aren't you going to save my son?" We watched the boy flailing at the water. The father, a man in his late fifties or early sixties, was in no shape to attempt a rescue himself. The lifeguard finally replied, "You can't save a man who is trying to save himself. When he stops trying, I'll save him." The parents looked horrified. Their sense of helpless agony permeated the entire crowd. But the drowning youth eventually grew exhausted, and when he stopped his thrashing about, the lifeguard rushed in to save him. Most parents view a son or daughter in the cult just like that drowning boy. They suddenly see their child in a disastrous situation and run to God in panic, crying, "Save my child!" And like the lifeguard, God doesn't seem to respond. Bewildered, they begin to question God."Why aren't You doing anything? Why have You allowed this! How can You be so unloving as to let my child drown in the sea of cultic sin?" From the shoreline it is clear that the child is in desperate trouble; but the parents cannot save him. Moreover, neither they, nor the child, can be rescued unless—like the drowning boy—they stop trying to save themselves. The feeling of desire to do something is understandable. The cultic phenomenon lies beyond the boundaries of traditional religious experience. There is no analogy in ordinary religion for the child who joins a cult. Catholics, Jews, and Protestants all come to understand that tragedy is a part of life. We are taught that death and other traumatic experiences, such as marital infidelity, can be dealt with in terms of one's religious doctrines. Even the child who is involved with drugs, crime, or an unwanted pregnancy, can be accepted and understood. But when a child joins a cult, it is a totally different matter; in many cases it is like a living death. Almost overnight the parents experience a loss of control. The child is suddenly living in a different world that they cannot reach. They can perhaps visit and talk with their child, but they cannot touch him emotionally. The parent-child bond nurtured for eighteen or twenty years has been suddenly cut, mysteriously severed. At first there is loneliness and confusion. Then there may come bitterness, resentment, hatred, and cynicism. Parents often find already existing family problems aggravated as tensions mount, leading to divorce, alcoholism, depression, or serious illness. Many families break under the pressure of the cult problem. Sometimes the pain becomes so overwhelming, that parents take desperate measures to save themselves and their child. They may decide to "play God" and take matters into their own hands. It becomes more than a question of just getting him out. They pursue the course of kidnap and deprogram. The question of kidnapping and deprogramming is fraught with controversy. I have spent hours discussing it with parents who still have children in the COG or other cults; I've listened to the testimonies of many members who have been kidnapped and deprogrammed. I always approach the subject with great sensitivity and concern. In some cases, the decision to kidnap and deprogram has ended in disaster. Some parties boast great success. But through my own sufferings, I have stumbled onto an important truth—namely, whether or not to kidnap and deprogram is not the bottom-line question. There are issues far deeper, far more important, that must be confronted first. The question I put foremost is, Why do parents want to take that course of action? If the child went off the track, there was a reason. The desire to quickly get the child home and reestablished in the normal family routine may in fact be a way of avoiding some real-life issues. Such desires may be motivated by pride, selfishness, and a fear of facing one's failings as a parent. So when parents raise the issue of kidnapping and deprogramming, I immediately ask myself, "Why?" What are their true motives? Are they being driven to action through guilt? A sense of failure as a parent? Or embarrassment because of social pressure and criticism? If so, they are victims of wrong and dangerous motives. Much harm has been done as a result of panic-stricken parents acting from an attitude of "Let's hurry up quick and get our son back on the track where he suddenly jumped off! We must maintain the status quo at all costs!" Is the parents' primary motivation the child's spiritual welfare or their own self-image? If the status quo was so great, why did the child leave? What was missing from the home? Consider two typical reactions of parents with questionable motives. I call them the "reactionary parent" and the "indifferent parent." I believe we can see, in many cases, that the reaction of a parent whose child joins a cult, serves as a window into the root problems of the child and his family. First we look at the parent who chooses a reactionary course of action—the anti-cult crusader. This kind of parent dramatically casts all the blame for his dilemma on the cult."They deceived my son! He would never have joined something like that in his right mind! He's been deceived, hypnotized, brainwashed!" Why is this parent reacting so violently? Could it be that this parent is fighting a tremendous battle with self-rejection and cannot face up to his failures realistically? Is he seeking to cover his feelings of guilt and failure by finding a scapegoat? Is he avoiding responsibility for his actions by putting all the blame on the cult? This parent, in his inability to face up to guilt and responsibility, is sidestepping the real issues. Moreover, he does not want to acknowledge his son's rebellion."My son didn't join out of rebellion. He was deceived!" Pride has hindered this parent from seeing the truth about himself; he has adopted a false belief: "It's all the cult's fault." In many ways, a parent's weaknesses are manifest in a child's behavior. Many youth join cults because they are unwilling to face certain issues, certain realities, certain responsibilities. As a parent may refuse to accept responsibility by blaming a cult, so his child may seek to evade responsibility by joining one. At the opposite end of the spectrum is the parent who responds with complete indifference. This is the "who cares?" attitude: "It's his life; he can do with it what he wants." What are the similarities between parent and child in this case? If the parent reacts with indifference, no doubt he has had that attitude for a long time, and has left his child drifting without direction or purpose in his spiritual life. A father who does not take the role as spiritual head of the family will leave his child prey to many temptations. It is small wonder that this child will fill his spiritual void with a lie. As long as it "feels good and he's getting out of it what he wants, who cares?" is the attitude of indifference. Indifference breeds apathy, and apathy leads to selfishness. Cults are the epitome of selfishness. Hence, the indifference of the parent and the child have taken their logical course. After all, who cares what you do, as long as it feels good, and you are getting what you want out of life? How does a parent react constructively to a son or daughter joining a cult? The parent has before him a great opportunity for self-examination. This is a time of crisis in which to purify motives and establish a relationship with God based on the confidence that He will supply both strength and answers. When we ask God the question, "Should we kidnap? Should we deprogram?" we may receive in reply the questions, "Why? What do you seek to accomplish?" These questions open the door to self-examination, and permit us to put the issue of deprogramming and kidnapping in proper perspective. Self-examination is painful, but properly accomplished, it removes confusion, strengthens our character, and allows us to make good decisions to the benefit of all concerned. Self-examination reveals the blind spots in our lives, perhaps weaknesses that God has been seeking for us to deal with for years. Life is not a collection of unrelated incidents without rhyme or reason. A child's joining a cult is no mere accident or coincidence; nor is God arbitrary in dealing with His children. There is meaning and purpose to every event of our lives, and we must seek to find it. God reigns, not chance.130 The path of self-examination can take three directions. First, a parent may see ways in which he has failed his child and feel pangs of guilt. If these are too painful, pride may cause him to deny responsibility for his child's failure; and consequently, he may become reactionary. He will become bitter, resentful, and hateful. He will seek to blame and judge others. The consequences can be tragic. This person could turn to alcohol to avoid accepting reality; family problems can arise that will doom a marriage. A crisis does not create problems, it reveals them. A child's joining a cult is often cited as the cause of his parent's divorce; but a close examination of the situation will reveal that the cult merely aggravated a condition that already existed. One mother told me, "Our child's joining the cult did not cause the divorce. The problem was already there, but we kept it hidden. The cult experience simply brought to the surface a problem that had been growing between my husband and me for a long time." The second path of self-examination is similar to the first. Rather than trying to cover over his guilt and avoiding responsibility, the parent of a cult victim may choose self-condemnation, which leads to self-pity. He may escape into despair, depression, alcoholism or drug abuse, or serious illness. The self-condemning person may become reclusive—physically or spiritually or both. The third route will lead the parent to the foot of the Cross. It will result in the realization of forgiveness and mercy, which will yield great spiritual growth, inner peace, victory, strength, and ultimately, joy in the life of the parent. This third path is the way of peace and joy. It is not the easiest in the beginning, but it bears the fruit of righteousness in the long run. The key to gaining victory in the crisis is this: Discern to restore: do not judge to place blame. The story of Job in the Bible illustrates this truth. Job's counselors erred in regarding his affliction as a sign of God's wrath, and conversely regarding prosperity as a sign of God's blessing. They did not see the picture from God's perspective, and they were clearly wrong. They condemned Job falsely, and concluded that God was fighting against Job as against an enemy; when in reality God was only trying him as a friend. In the end, it was Job who had to pray for their souls, not they for his. God often works in a sphere beyond our human reasoning. Likewise, if a parent turns to God in honesty and sincerity, only good can result. God is greater than any cult. Self-examination is God's way of strengthening us in crisis. The ultimate purpose of life's experiences is to bring us to an evercloser relationship with God. Suffering, affliction, and trial have a special place in the life of one who desires to walk close with God. The parent has but two options when faced with a cult crisis: He can respond according to his human feelings and reasoning; or he can turn to God and seek to view the situation from His perspective. Once beyond the motivation of guilt and fear, a parent can begin to see a clear course of action that will have positive results in the lives of all concerned. The answer to the question "Shall we kidnap? Shall we deprogram?" will become strikingly clear. When God delivers your child from the cult, will you be ready to receive and help him? Parents must be aware of the cults' strongest lure: unconditional acceptance. As a result of the fall of Adam and Eve, all people are born into a state of spiritual alienation and self-rejecttion. We are born into sin and are not acceptable to God; yet we have an innate desire to be accepted. Acceptance and reconciliation with God come only through Jesus Christ; through Him we gain access to the throne of God, and come into a position of fellowship with Him. Parents should be models of God's unconditional acceptance; they should mirror what Christ does for us. Jesus says, "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden . . ." (Matthew 11:28). He takes us with our sins, our faults, our fears, everything. Cults counterfeit this kind of unconditional acceptance; they offer a false model of the gospel and divine grace. Cult recruits are accepted totally on the basis that they are fellow human beings, no questions asked. The relationship changes once they are fully involved in the cult, but this is how they are initially received. This contrasts with the conditional acceptance we experience in society and often in our own homes. Many parents have high expectations for their child in this competitive world, and the child will often feel rejected if he fails to perform according to these hopes. Society, or more specifically, the community in which we find ourselves, may accept us only according to certain standards of achievements or wealth or beauty or vocation and so on. But what do the cults do? They say, "We love you just because you are you! You are valuable, and you want to love and be loved just like us. Come and be with brothers and sisters like yourself. There's nothing to prove. We love and accept you just as you are." Encountering a cult, a youth perhaps for the first time feels as if he is accepted and appreciated for himself—something he may have been waiting for all his life. This has a drastic effect. The youth will most likely want to give himself totally to the group, and he may in fact be disappointed if anything blocks total commitment. He is home. He is secure. He is finally accepted. Having embraced the group with open arms, he will come to accept doctrine as a matter of course. Some of the teaching may be difficult to accept at first, but he will embrace it eventually because of his total commitment to the group, and the mutual exchange of love among the members. And when he discovers he is following God's Endtime Prophet or the Messiah himself, then he's sure he's on the right track. Brainwashing? Yes—masterfully achieved. In a short time, the youth will have accepted new standards and values contrary to those of his parents and his former community. But the unconditional acceptance offered by a cult is counterfeit. It is a lie. The child is recruited only to serve the aims of the cult and will be exploited, despite the initial appearances. Cultic acceptance does not model Christ's; there is no deception in God's invitation to reconciliation. As parents, we may have failed to follow the example of acceptance that Christ sets for us. To the degree that children feel rejected by parents, they will feel rejected by God. Having failed once, the parents must not fail again if their child comes out of a cult. Mistakes have been made; the child is gone and in a cult; the parents can't change that fact or undo their mistakes. But God is not finished. He can still give beauty for ashes, joy in place of sorrow. There is the opportunity for parents to establish a new or deeper relationship with God, to learn the reality of divine mercy, to learn the meaning of forgiveness, to learn the meaning of patience and real joy in allowing God to work according to His timetable, to learn trust. I began to learn these truths myself through a story told by Richard Wurmbrand.131 In the hinterlands of the USSR, there may exist no church building for hundreds of miles, so Christians meet in secret to avoid persecution by the government. One Christmas Eve in a certain village, a group of Christians gathered in a stable to celebrate the birth of Christ. An elderly woman had been assigned to stand some distance from the stable to keep a watch for government agents. She had been given a piece of iron to throw against the gate of the stable as a signal for those inside to flee should police arrive. As this woman stood watch in the snow and cold, she prayed. It seems that her only son had been tortured and killed by the Communists sometime earlier. When his battered body was brought to her door, she heard two voices in her heart. One said, "Curse these damned Communists!" The other said, "Forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing. They don't know the love of God." She chose to forgive. As she was an elderly woman and had nothing to do, she passed her time praying for those who had tortured and killed her son. So there she stood that Christmas Eve, with the snow falling gently around her. Suddenly, she was kicked into the snow from behind. She looked up to find an officer standing over her. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. "Why, I am praying for you," she replied. The officer began to laugh."I don't think you consider me a very lovable being. Why should you be praying for me? You Christians think that we Communists are monsters." "That is how we consider you," the woman said."But for criminals, for monsters, Jesus came to die on the cross. For those who whipped Him, for those who nailed Him to the cross, He prayed while He was dying, 'Forgive them.'" At that moment she looked into his eyes and had an illumination."It is you!" she cried."You are the one who tortured and killed my son! If only you knew how I love you! For years I have prayed for you. You have taken in my heart the place of my son, whom you tortured to death. Christ loves you, and I love you. He has placed His love for you in my heart. I love you as I loved my own son. Tears ran down the officer's cheeks. When the woman saw his tears, she said, "Now I can tell you what I am doing here. Come, the Christians are gathered over in that stable." When she brought the officer into the stable, the Christians were frightened; but she told them, "Don't be afraid! His uniform is that of a Communist officer, but his heart is that of a repenting sinner. Receive him as your brother." Don't parents of cult victims share a common sorrow with this old woman who lost her son? Haven't they also heard a voice saying, "Cursed be that damned cult?" How do they respond to the conflicting voices that would evoke curses on the one hand, and forgiveness on the other? What was the greatest miracle of Richard Wurmbrand's story? I believe it was not the fact that the Russian officer was converted. Rather, his conversion was secondary to the transposed love of that woman. The greatest miracle took place within her heart. Instead of being consumed by hatred, she modeled God's love. It was a power greater than Communist terror. To hate our enemies is natural; but this woman yielded to Christ's command to "love your enemies." I am sure that she did not yield to this command overnight; it did not come without struggle; but she chose to obey the command, and God brought out of it beauty for ashes. It brought a communist officer to his knees. It is with this kind of love that parents can conquer the cults. For the parent whose child is in a cult, it is not a time to despair. It is a time to learn, to pray, and to wait on God. It is a time to love one's spouse rather than yield to pressure and frustration, taking out inner tensions on our spouse. It is a time to gain victory over faults in order to be ready to help the child when he returns. It is a time to learn that sometimes God will say 'Yes' to our prayers immediately, but sometimes He will remain silent, even for years. The time that passes between a child's entering a , and his coming out of it, is crucial for a parent. If it is spent in depression, discouragement, and bitterness, what has been accomplished? If depression leads to self-pity and an obsession with "getting him out," how can there be growth of character? Spiritual maturity and character development are as important for the parent as it is for the child to get out. If the pressure becomes unbearable, parents do well to recall the words of missionary Hudson Taylor: The Bible speaks of two kinds of suffering. One is godly, the other human; and a parent's response determines which kind his suffering will be. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation; but the sorrow of the world produces death (2 Corinthians 7:9-10 NASB). The ex-cult member will be faced with trauma and confusion, just as his parents were when he first joined. Parents must be prepared to teach him how to triumph over his struggles: how to overcome guilt, to cope with depression, to gain joy amid suffering, to start life anew without fear, to pray to a God who seems altogether distant and silent, to remain unanxious over unanswered prayer. He must find parents filled with compassion and overflowing with the mercies of God. Will he find this kind of parent, or one broken and in poor health, divorced, and despairing? Surely at this he will despair of any hope in God. For years I thought God had abandoned me, but now I know that was only the beginning. For years I looked around me and saw only sorrow and the tragic consequences of sin. I wanted to see things change, but could only despair at the stark realities of life. Then I saw that it was God, much more than myself, who wanted to turn my life around. I had to conform my will to His. My prayer is that parents of cult victims would allow God to turn their world of sorrow and pain into joy and gladness. Joyanne returned home on May 22, two months after she left. She had experienced many things in those two long months, most of them harmful to her. Even the thought of what she encountered while living with the COG is painful to me; nevertheless, she came home because she chose to do so. For the most part, Joyanne defended the Children of God on her return from Puerto Rico, standing up for their right to do as they please. It hurt me deeply to hear her say that, for I know that their practices are an abomination to God. Her defensive stance was a covering for the decision she had made to visit them; for by defending them, she was defending herself. She was not concerned with their immoral practices; she felt that the COG are no different than 95 percent of contemporary society. I believe Joyanne began to perceive, perhaps unconsciously, that the members of the Family are mere puppets, non individuals incapable of thinking for themselves. She was confronted with what I know to be the frightening reality of sin, the consequences of which turn people into mindless, faceless, desensitized pawns. They have not the slightest notion of God, who believe about God only what they are told to believe. They have become gods unto themselves. Joyanne had to face many more perplexing situations on her return home. Life for my oldest daughter has been very difficult and will continue to be so. Her former reality has been shattered, and she will wander painfully until she arrives at Reality. She is a tender and loving person, but she trusts no one. This is my most painful wound, to see Joyanne so alone. My heart longs to reach out and tell her to believe, to trust, to love the One who first loved us. My mistakes have broken that bridge of confidence. Joyanne is a wonderful child who is no longer a child. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Her search for answers goes on, and so does my prayer. And each day, I believe, she comes one step closer to finding Him.
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