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In Reply to: Re: Is this abuse? posted by Abused "Cute Kid" on June 07, 2007 at 23:25:58:
You said:
“Hm, I must respond to this. One one hand I am SUPER pleased and in accord with your reaction. However, the sexually abused child, I mean CHILD, in me, reasoned (before any post-cult education) EXACTLY that. All I know is I was abused before I knew where "me" ended or began, so why was I abused if not because I was cute? What the HELL did I ever do to evoke in you "adults" with all the power something that I do not at all understand???????????? How the heck else am I supposed to interpret a 40-year-old invading my 12-year -old body? You tell me.”
“A.C.K.”:
I am glad that you’re pleased that the part of you needing the recognition appreciates the natural revulsion to perversion that I expressed. I am especially glad for you that that part of your healing seems to be underway, as does the “post-cult education” you owned as something personal, and apparently vital. Good.
I hate it when people try to identify with some deep psychic pain in my past I have vulnerably expressed (like multiple ideation, planning and attempted execution of suicide while clinically depressed, for instance), when they say something like, “I understand completely.” I couldn’t say that, honestly, even if I DID experience nearly or as “identical” as possible the things you did as an abused child. I simply am NOT you, and could NOT even IMAGINE it.
As would those of us exers now even remotely involved professionally with mental health issues admit, you do, of course, need ongoing consistent and competent professional help, as well as incorporating a crucially central “psychological mechanism” in your life which will allow you to sever your adult self from the past child; at least the one that “agreed” with the manipulations and “reasons” for molestation by the adult perpetrators.
I remember painfully a young girl on a televised video, saying, “You’re not supposed to have those!” to a TV reporter, with great alarm, regarding the sexualized Mo Letters he confronted her and her siblings with in an interview.
I can only imagine you as someone very like that poor young girl; conned into personalizing that evil to the point of apparent acceptance of it. That’s truly heartbreaking, and I am very sorry something like that happened to you; even ONCE.
Pleasure and trust are horrible things when they are the “tools” used to groom and coerce pedophilia victims. Those induced responses can, as the mental health literature states, be very problematic for the previously abused, if they do not get past recognition of the very often arrested development of induced sexual dysfunction.
When they do not get past this extremely important hurdle, they can often continue abusive behavior themselves, as if perpetually trying to “please” the perpetrators who originally abused them, or even seek out people very like them, in order to have a sort of sexual “power” over someone as like the original perps as possible, in an insane sort of indirect “revenge”.
It’s a definite “worst case scenario” for those abused as children. Some even end up in the sex trade; in that perennial loop of terrible self-destruction, as TFI exers are painfully aware; especially SGAs, and TGAs.
No one here actually believes that sex abuse has actually stopped wholesale in TFI; do they?
However, you are NOT that child anymore. And, I am likewise not one of “…you “adults””; either. I left in ’71 after 2 ½ years membership, just as the attempt to corrupt the “rank and file” began, BECAUSE I refused to share my wife sexually, or to continue to distribute Berg’s pornography anymore.
My three children were raised OUTSIDE of TFI; for which I am eternally thankful.
Perverts at heart don’t NEED to be “invoked”. They very elaborately pick and groom and victimize their sexual PREY—that’s who they ARE.
Berg brought it to the cult; in fact, perversion itself BECAME the cult.
It was POSSIBLE for Berg to pervert others into pedophilia BECAUSE those who “became” RELIGIOUS pedophiles were ALREADY EVIL. No “medical model” was involved. They freely CHOSE their behaviors; NONE had a gun at his or her head; sorry. A “disease” of moral evil did not come out of nowhere and merely “infect” them, and CAUSE their perversion.
THEY were evil, and you, as an innocent and manipulable child, were NOT. That’s as simply as I can put that. Children cannot “seduce”; coerced pedophilia victims are gradually TRAINED to mimic behavior they have been taught to identify as “pleasing” to their victimizers.
And, in your case, there was a mind-destroying entire theodicy and subculture to force your own acceptance of all that CRAP on you, as you became an older cult member; before you had enough, and left.
You were not to BLAME.
You are STILL not to blame.
In quite a few places in the world, what that, or ANY 40-year-old, did to you, as a 12-year-old VICTIM, brainwashed or NOT, IS worthy of criminal prosecution, and capital punishment.
Had I observed that, or verifiably known about that, happening to my now 29-year-old beautiful daughter, when she was 12, I would have had a very DEAD 40-year-old man on my hands, whatever the law was where it occurred.
I’m 6’3”, 270+ lbs, and martially trained, and I would have taken the time to make an example out of that kind of human detritus for other pervs around him.
He crossed ALL the lines when he DECIDED to entertain perversion, and to gradually become a pedophile himself. That’s what a person becomes immediately, after the very first time. Tough.
And, do you know what? That is perfectly normal behavior for a REAL Daddy. My heart breaks for you, that you did not have one around, at those times. I am so deeply sorry for your hurt, and the confusion surrounding it. And, no, I was never any kind of sex pervert; just a married father of three precious children, who left the cult 32+ year ago, and raised them normally.
And, I’d STILL kill or die for them, and for my wife.
Please, keep getting help. I wish you the best.
Very sincerely,
OT2 (OldtimerToo)
