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In Reply to: Re: "scientology the reason"-No. Ur reason, R U a Med Professional? posted by Rocky on February 19, 2006 at 20:10:29:
After getting out of the Family I suffered for years and needlessly because of unreasonable fears about getting help. I abused substances in an attempt to self medicate and when that quit working I had severe panic attacks and depression. I had never heard of "PTSD" or "Major Depression" or any other psych illness. I learned in the Family that seeing a doctor esp. one for the mind was BAD. Afterwards when I got clean and sober I learned that much of the pain I still suffered beyond any withdrawal could all be cured by the Big Book.
I learned by some AA fanatics that the big book had the answers to everything and I watched as one poor girl had her home cleaned out of ALL drugs including her anti depressants! Boy was that a bad idea. It was some cult thinking still active going on.
Here is how I felt within the Family as I suffered depression and anxiety after some years within:
I experienced no joy and it was painful just to live from day to day going through the motions and the monotony of litnessing and all the moves and changes and walking that edge..
I would see sunsets and star-filled skies, beautiful nature around me and it was as if it was all black and white, no color, no spark.
The anxiety set in when I was pressured to "share" and lit began to come out which also sexualized children. I didn't know what a panic attack was but I was having them day and night. I would have a sudden sense of dread, palms sweating and feeling like I was going to die right then and as my heart would race like cards flapping on the spokes of a bicycle racing through the street. I thought I was having heart attacks or something. I could not sleep. I could not go to a doctor. I would do things to combat the attacks which I had frequently thoughout the day every day thinking it was the devil and I was going to die.
I would write letters backwards and forwards on paper, letters and numbers, anything that meant nothing that I could focus on. I snuck out to see a doctor and he asked if I was under stress. I broke out in a rash when talking to him but I could not tell him about the stress I was under. I felt wrong for even being there.
I felt afraid because I had no money or insurance for treatment if anything was wrong. I had no visa for the country I was in.
I went back and lived in this horror every single day until I left the family. I could see a flag waving in the wind and it would scare me. Anything slightly negative scared me. This was during the beginning of the RNR and I couldn't tell anyone what was wrong.
After I left the panic continued and I tried to drink again. I had quit because of physical illness in reaction to drinking about a year before leaving. That was when the panic attacks started in earnest but not every day. Shortly before leaving they became a frequent daily occurrence.
I had no support when I left and it was very hard I think what kept me together was knowing I was all my children had. They had no one but me to depend on and I had to keep it together for them.
I suffered more years with debilitating anxiety, PTSD nightmares etc. Then I finally saw a doctor who gave me tranquilizers. I needed them but when they worked I quit going to the psychiatrist and got them from my doctor. I had a new addiction but one that I needed. But what i needed more was someone who understood these illnesses to make sure I was taking WHAT I needed , other medication too and not so much of the one which I mixed with ALCOHOL. Then I had an active case of Atrial Fibrilation which put me in the hospital.
Again I had the fear of doctors and of telling the truth about what I was feeling and on top of it I had a serious physical consequence of untreated illness. They asked "Did you have anything to drink?", "Just a few shots of tequilla"...
After this I went thru AA and it helped greatly but I wasn't getting the anxiety and depression related to chronic PTSD treated. That would be not following the Big Book according to some AA gurus. I went through so much unnecessary pain. I too was very afraid when I would read the side effects of medication and so after being treated once for major depression I quit taking the meds. and got very very ill.
It was hard coming to terms with the fact that I needed help because of the shame attached to mental illness. As someone else said, it is like having diabetes or another illness. No one would look down at you for treating that but would understand but there is still a stigma attached to mental illness.
Mental illness does not mean a person has to be bat shit crazy either. The mind has a profound effect on the body and vice versa. But stigma's keep the mental illness UNTREATED. I lived in my own personal hell.
I came from an abusive family and got into one, got out of that and needed help. Imagine that.
If anyone relates to any of this, any part of it or more, I hope you get help because untreated mental illness is bad for physical health and can even be lethal.
THERE IS NO SHAME IN GETTING HELP.
The first time I was put on a psych med, PROZAC, I threw it away after reading the side effects. But when the pain outweighed the treatment fears I got help. Prozac helped on the short term and then I tried other drugs to ascertain which was the best for me while under the care of a good psychiatrist.
To anyone fearing being institutionalized, Berg planted that fear. People do not get locked away in institutions any more in America. In fact, most people get kicked out after 5-8 days now as soon as their symptoms are stabilized enough to work with a dr. outside the hospital. I learned that from working in psych hospitals. People that seek help don't generally go to the hospital unless there is a clear and present stated danger of the person being an imminent LETHAL threat to themselves or others and even that is assessed before the last resort of hospitalization. Patients have all kinds of rights incl. the right to refuse meds unless they are completely out of control and a doctor orders some for them while in a psychotic state.
I hope nothing I said in any other post gave anyone the impression that I don't think people who have been in the Family and are suffering from mental illness should avoid SSRI's or any needed help! If you are suffering do yourself a favor and get help! You have a right to interview your doctor, ask their credentials, ask how they feel about working with you. Couldn't do those things in the family, ya know..ask questions or disagree with what I was being told.
