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In Reply to: Re: Jim the former leader blames the victim posted by Jim LaMattery on December 09, 2005 at 12:58:18:
"Why, at the point Jo's children are removed from her immediate and direct care, she didn't leave TFI is a question that is beyond me."
How would leaving TFI at that point have ensured Jo that she could get her children back? As many documented histories have show--including your own--the decision to leave the TFI AND THEREFORE ABANDON ONE'S CHILDREN to the remaining custodial spouse or custodians is a sure-fire way to never seeing your kids again until they reach age of majority.
As a mother who put up with a lot of personal unhappiness and sacrifice over two decades for the sake of my kids, I can completely understand why Jo chose to stay in TFI. She hoped to be reunited with her child so that she could get her entire family out. As far as I can tell, Jo's two best choices were a rock and a hard place.
The question you are asking is exactly the same as the question ignorant people ask about domestic violence survivors: Why didn't she just leave him? Abuse victims often don't leave because they're terrified they will be injured worse or killed if they do. Guess what? Research shows that when a woman leaves an abusive relationship, the likelihood of a homicide increases dramatically.
Berg & the COG leaders terrorized parents psychologically with the fear of death and eternal damnation if they should leave. Life in TFI might have been hell for them & their kids, but it wasn't as bad as what they feared should they leave. It is a fact of behavioral science that people don't change a bad situation until their fear of what the change will bring about is less than the perceived pain of their current situation.
The other side of this coin are the people (like you) who abandoned their children to be raised in the cult. You made an irresponsible decision to father a child and raise her in a counter-cultural environment to begin with. I was in the COG at exactly the same time you were and recognized the disadvantages that the group's communal lifestyle placed on a child. I got the hell out before my children were born. Why were you so clueless about what constitutes the best interests of a child?
I'm not at all impressed with your accounts of trying to locate your daughter after you abandoned her, because you failed altogether to achieve a reunion until she was old enough to find you herself. Now that she's found you, the reunion is far from amiable. Many parents who lost children to the cult were successful in locating their children and getting them out. What explains your incompetence? Could it be you didn't try very hard? How come other young adults who've located their parents after years of separation are on speaking terms with them, while you & your daughter are not?
You can say I'm being unfair in my recriminations, and that is probably true, but I'm not being any less insensitive toward you than you have been toward Jo, and my negative assessment of your parental behavior is no less ignorant and judgemental than your views about Jo.
