Reposted "Advice to Parents of Adult Children"

I thought these posts would be excellent for discussion. I only took the liberty of changing the names to initials to help focus on parent/offspring issues. Hope none of the posters I copy here mind.

Posted by Acheick on October 05, 2005 at 21:12:00

As a mother of a bunch of kids in similar situations, the best thing I can see to do is give it a rest for awhile. I have no idea what you all hope to gain by posting things about K. on public websites. I would never, ever do such a thing. And definitely not in this community where there seems to be a curious public divide. It's certainly not serving your mission and is only pitting people against people.

I've been watching and observing and listening to all this for awhile now. What I'm seeing is that J. does not know how to let go and be able to take it as it comes without pushing his own agenda. This is probably why he is a very good business person. Business people are like that, they are driven, they don't take no for an answer, and they get the job done come hell or high water. But this is not a business, this is people's lives.

I understand what J. is going through, I've gone through that too. I've been just beside myself when one of my kids has done something that has taken them away from me or not been to their best interest.

Of course, the circumstances are different, but the effects are the same. As a parent, you want to control your kids (sorry I call them kids even if the oldest is 31) because you think you know what is best for them. It's hard to watch your child suffer or do something you think is not in their best interest. I've had a son join the gangs and end up in jail for armed robbery. I thought I was going to die. But it was out of my control. The same thing with another offspring which I don't want to get into the details here, but she should have listened to me at the time as she is suffering exactly what I said was going to happen if she didn't take my advice. Of course, I love her and stand by her side even if she veered off course and is suffering the consequences now - I still support her and she appreciates it. I've never forced any of my children to take my advice or pressured them, or butted into their lives, maybe to a fault. Maybe sometimes I was too easy. I certainly did not do everything right, but first and foremost they all know without a doubt that I care immensely for them and would stand by them no matter what.

Firstly - our offspring have to make their own way in life and as a parent, it's hard to sit and watch when you think you know better, but you have to bite your tongue sometimes and let it be.

Secondly - you have to realize that in one's life there are only 20 percent of events that one is able to control, the other 80 percent is out of our control and it's best to realize that and not try and make it so. When I realized that or came to terms with that, a lot of pressure was lifted off of me and I let things happen as they come instead of trying to control every little thing. That will drive someone crazy, not to mention the people around you. Life is much more peaceful since I was able to reconcile that.

I just want this to be helpful advice, I'm not trying to take anybody's side or get into something I don't know everything about.
I know it was all talked about on the Dr. Phil show, but maybe it's best to leave it there and trust the outcome instead of trying to control it. It's just not good for all of you involved.

Posted by Charlie on October 06, 2005 at 10:12:52

I went through the same amazing parenting-learning lessons too. When I see my kids blowing it now, I tell them, "It has to come from you." I make it as safe as is reasonably possible here for them to succeed, or fail, while within the safety of the home, and then stand back and watch. Like you say, it took amzaing pressure off to just recognize and do the 20%

Posted by Acheick on October 06, 2005 at 12:50:26

Yes, parenting is probably the toughest thing anyone will ever do and here we compounded it by joining a stupid cult. And worse for them, they have to build a relationship they missed out on for some 15 years. I have to say, we failed when we had that experience, we failed miserably and I'm not proud of it at all. It's very sad for us, but again, out of our control. We're all only human after all.

Posted by Charlie on October 06, 2005 at 13:33:59

Isn't it funny how, in our naievity, we thought we had joined an army of Endtime witnesses and were going to be able to parent the greatest generation of witnesses ever. Phew! What a joke that became. It 's like coming down off of a drug to come down from the high of Cog think.

Posted by MG on October 06, 2005 at 14:34:52

I was speechless when I saw K.'s interaction with her Dad, as well as listnening to J., N., and C. too. What got me is how much I could see my own daughter in the way they were saying things and in what they said. I think, on the whole they were very representative of the feeling of so many SG ex members.

I speak from the experiences I've had with my kids. My daughter does not like to hear me talk about my hippy idealism and how I got into the Family. It's upsetting for her to hear me try to say the way the Fam was in the early days wasn't how it turned out. I've found that any "explaining" is counter productive if I want to have any real communication with her. As a result I've found that there's so many other things to share together. Most of it has to do with sharing what she's accomplishing since she's been out, we've been able to help her some, not nearly as much as we'd like to. She really gets excited about how things have gone for me. For both of us it hasn't been easy, there's still a lot of struggles, and we have a really good laugh sometimes about some things that have to do with the past.

I don't know if this would work for J. or any other parents who have struggles with their sons or daughters, but when I totally refrained from any kind of comment on how I got into the Family, or what it was like to be brainwashed, controlled, etc, ...absolutely no explaining, just simple pure openess to my daughters feelings, anger, rage, frustration--everything--that's what made a difference in our relationship. Then I said those 2 words, "I'm sorry." and I meant it. And later, when I talked to her again, after things had set awhile, I said it again, "I'm sorry." Nothing more.

Posted by Oldtimer on October 06, 2005 at 14:46:23

I have few -- not many -- good memories from the Family's early days, stuff like interesting lands and people seen, friendships, etc. but I never talk about them either, certainly not to second generation survivors who have been abused or hurt. You're right. It's so counterproductive.

About the "alturistic hippy alturism" some FGs look back on and selflessly wanting to change the world, it sounds good in theory but it reminds me of when I was in Germany in the Family and this German brother and I were visting his parents and his uncle was there. When he learned we were part of the "Kinder Gottes" he said, "Yes, when I was your age I was idealistic too."

Later the German brother smiled as he explained, "My uncle was with the Hitler Youth when he was young." So much for idealism and wanting to change the world.

Posted by porceleindoll on October 06, 2005 at 19:38:24

It's hard for me to make any comments on what happened during that show, except that I was taken back too over some of her accusations. I really hope you both can sort out the issues. You know that Dad had some similar difficulties with some of my siblings, and that it caused a lot of pain as well during that time, and at least things have turned in the step of healing and communications have started again. I have to admire dad for hanging on because I told him I wouldn't be able to handle it if I went through what he did. I don't do good with hurt and rejection.

I can relate to what K. said about you talking and asking her about the good things that happened in the group, when one was abused like she was, when one's siblings have been hurt as hers were, there is no good. Dad used to say the same thing, and it always made me mad at him, "Well, I can't throw it all out, there was some good stuff..." and while I didn't outright tell him to fuck-off, it always left me angry for a bit. He finally got the point, and when he took our hurts as his own hurts, he was able to chuck it all out. It makes a child feel as though they are not important when their parent talks good about something that left their life in pieces. And when I have visited you and you used to say good things about the COG, it left a similar distaste in my heart. I think you have gotten past that by now, but then again I won't make any assumption on it.

I know you are not responsible for K. having grown up in the cult, there was not much you could do, I was there when they were kidnapped from your house and spirited out of the country, we were all shocked, and the hurt that caused our entire LM family, from grandparents to babies.

Anyway, there's so much more below the surface of this whole situation than can't be gotten into on the boards, and some things can only be solved through time. I know you are under constraint about what you can and cannot say online, it is rather unfair of us to discuss your personal life when you are limited in what you can actually say.

But lastly, I truly believe you love K. as you have loved my brother and sisters, that you have tried and will continue to try and be there for her as you have done for my siblings, and I hope that things between the two of you will be reconciled when the time is right. I don't agree that you are doing all this out of selfish motivation, as some on these boards feel. I am shocked by some of the outrageous guesses and criticisms, assumptions and others being thrown out here. Ah well, such is life, what's that saying about ..some of the people some of the time...