My Cousin Kristi

My wife, China, and I were born into The Family. We appeared together on the Dr. Phil show with Jim and Kristi La Mattery. I am Jim’s nephew and Kristi’s cousin.
I want to begin by saying, Kristi, I am proud you appeared on the Dr. Phil show. I know how hard it is to go on national television to let the world know that not only were you in The Family but that you were severely abused while in their care. Your sincerity in wanting to protect other children from what you went through is clear, and I know that you were willing to go on television for that cause. The Family ripped apart so many lives by their conviction that serving their construct of God was far more important than investing in their own children’s welfare. By appearing on television to make our case public, we are telling The Family that enough is enough. We will no longer allow them to discount our stories, nor issue a general apology that they expect us to accept. The Family must recognize their accountability over our brothers and sisters lives and their untimely deaths. It is only when they acknowledge the responsibility for what they have done to us that I will know they are worthy of the responsibility to care for those of our friends and siblings who remain in the group by operating under the law and protecting the rights of those children.
Kristi, I know you have issues with your Dad. As Dr. Phil asked, can you regain your trust for him? What a perfect question. But, how can you regain your trust for your dad? He was not there for you when you were abused and exploited; nor was he was around during your developmental years, when child and parent are supposed to build a foundation of love and trust. Your father was absent. In his stead, there was a cult and a mother who hated your father, and, in turn, asserted your father did not love you and was thus not worthy of your love for him. You were taught that your father was of “the world”: a product of the a system which was to be hated. I know that is what they told me about Uncle Jim, and what they told me about my own mother. They had me believe that my mother was not to be trusted or loved just because she chose not to join The Family.
These effects of The Family’s lies will unfortunately remain with us until the day we die. No parents are perfect, however. Even under “normal” circumstances parents and children will always have issues on which they do not see eye to eye. One of my largest discoveries since reconnecting with my mother after 15 years was realizing that neither of us will ever be perfect. I have come to understand that by expecting my mother to be perfect, I only set her up for failure and me for disappointment. I had some pretty unrealistic expectations of my mother for many years. I felt our honeymoon of reconnecting would and should have lasted a lot longer than it did. My mother is always here for me now, but there are times when I am tempted to blame her still for not being around for me in the past. As a child, I wanted nothing more than a mother of my own blood who had a shoulder for me to cry on, who would kiss me good-night and pick me up when I fell. Many times as a child I felt defenseless and it caused me to shut my heart down, resolving that the only way I could cope was to turn off the love for my mom. When I was finally able to meet with her again, it was not the “Hollywood” reunion one might envision it to be. Instead, I had to learn how to re-kindle the love for her that was repressed in the corner of my soul and defend it, protect it, and cherish it until I could let it burn on its own. I had to realize that my feelings of abandonment were mutual and that my mother loved me more than I was willing to accept.
The past 10 months have been crazy for all of us. We have had our fair share of accomplishments and our setbacks in the quest to bring The Family to justice. At the end of the day, however, I feel confident that we can both sit back and enjoy what we have done thus far, what you have done, what the former Second Generation Adults have done, and what even your dad has done. Hey, we made it to Dr. Phil, and it did not even take as long as we thought it would! But with all of the good, we have definitely taken our fair share of low blows. You have, I have, and so has your dad. I feel badly about how your father was portrayed on the Dr. Phil show—and I do not think even you expected things to go that far as it was only about 3 months ago we were all enjoying each other’s company. If I can put one thing into perspective, Kristi, I want to remind that your father was not the one who abused you. It was your father who was fighting for you before you were kidnapped as a child. I recently had the opportunity to visit the San Diego Superior Court House and research your mother’s and Jim’s divorce case as I wanted to see for myself if everything he has told me about fighting for you was real. What I discovered blew me away. I was amazed at how hard your dad fought for full custody of you and Nina. Back in 81', it is documented that after your dad presented to the judge The Family’s literature “Child Brides” and “God’s Whores,” he told the judge that he did not want you and Nina to be brought up as “whores” for The Family; and that if your mother was to receive custody of you he was afraid that you would disappear and lose you forever. He fought hard for you in 1981 when he was in his 20s, and he is fighting just as hard for you now. It was not his choice that he missed your childhood. I could not imagine the pain I would experience if, after fighting for custody for years, my son was stolen me, taken to and then abused by a sex cult, only to be returned to me emotionally traumatized and uneducated. This is how I was returned to my mom and how you were returned to your dad. That is a horror I hope no other parent has to experience, and one that your father will do everything possible to ensure will not be repeated. I hope that someday you will appreciate his efforts and accept that it was your mom, not your dad, who let you down.
As soon as the show was filmed, your dad contacted Dr. Phil’s producer to attain contact information for the counselor Dr. Phil had promised; and since then, he has been attending counseling sessions regularly in an effort to mend his personal conflicts and reconcile his relationship with you. I absolutely do not blame Jim for getting discouraged with counseling in the past. I, too, sometimes feel that most of our issues are too complex for traditionally trained counselors, which is why I was discouraged with their counsel. I have to say, however, that the counselor Dr. Phil arranged to talk with me and China is amazing, and I believe the one for you will be too. You made a promise to us and Dr. Phil on national television that you, too, would accept the help that Dr. Phil has provided. Kristi, I plead with you to uphold your promise of attending the therapy sessions made available to you weeks ago and work together with your dad to re-establish the relationship The Family has taken away from you. Do not let anyone or anything obstruct your reunion, and ultimately, our family’s reunion. You have a large family who loves you and cares for you more than you know. It is my dream for our family to heal from this and my hope that this situation will result in our family showing The Family that, in spite of all the years they took from us, they never took our spirits, they never took our love.
The best news I heard all day was that your brother, Jeff, had taken time to visit your dad, and that your sister, Nina, is in close contact with him. You have got a family over here that loves you and wants nothing more than for you to reconnect with your father and with us. We miss you.
Your cousin.
John Jr.