If Berg Met Jesus in the Flesh

On meeting Jesus in the flesh--

Berg would 've started foaming at the mouth and throwing himself into the fire.

Berg--in flames--would then leap out at Jesus and try to pull Him into the fire, too, where all the rest of Jesus' truth and docrines were tossed by the wanker, named Dave Berg.

The real apostle, Peter, would have kicked Berg in the groin--hard, to protect his Master and have said, "Master, who sinned that this man in flames is on the ground writhing in agony at your feet, clutching his tender parts?"

"No man or woman sinned, Peter--good kick, by the way; but that the Glory of God may be manifested was he brought into the world."

"God's ways are not our ways, Lord." said Peter.

"You can say that again, Pete. Oh, one more thing, let's not write or talk about this little 'incident,' okay?" said Jesus. "Just let it die its own quiet death and be forgotton for all time. What do you think? The flaming guy seems to have learned his lesson."

"Yes Lord." said Simon Peter, giving the flaming Berg another kick when the Lord wasn't looking.

"Oh, and Peter."

"Lord?"

"Blessed are the peacemakers, right? For they shall be called the Children of God. So cut the violent stuff, in God's name." said Jesus.

"Lord?"

"Yes, Peter, now what is it this time?"

"That flaming Berg is giving You the finger and mouthing some obscenities in Your Name behind your back. I think....I think...he is acting like a woman, or he is a Sodomite. Yes that's it, and he is mimicking making love to you. Bloody wanker!" said Peter, this time kicking dust in Berg's face and going for his sword.

"Peter, Peter, you are really a Boanerges Brute, aren't you?" said Jesus smiling. "This lost character has no power around me, watch this. Get thee behind Me, Satan."

Suddenly, Berg was flipped in the air like a pancake by the power of God, and then he became, as it were, a leopard before the eyes of the disciples, and Berg changed his stripes, amazing all the disciples. Suddenly, the flaming Berg became an angel of light and started to speak.

"God is love, love is sex, sex is multiplying, to multiply is the real first commandment of God, sex is good, sex is obeying God's greatest commandment of Love, all things are lawful..shondo borondo shubiidoobiie shab ba da ba doooooo...."

"Lord, what is that all about? It sounds like gibberish." asked Peter.

"It is." said the Lord. "I want to show you the power of deception. In the last days there will be deceivers, yet true, and deceivers so false that they will deceive the very elect. Changing their spots like leopards they will wander the lands of the earth in search of more prey. Even appearing as angels of light. Even making themselves what they are not in order to have intercourse with Me."

"Lord, don't say such things. It's impossible. I can't believe it." shouted Peter.

"Get thee behind me Satan, for thou savourest the things that be of man and not of God." said Jesus.

Peter fell on his knees crying. Berg, who by now was just smoldering and smoking, as the flames on his body went out, started laughing and giggling like a little girl. He started mocking Peter.

"What's your problem?" shouted Peter to Berg.

"You're such a compromiser, Peter." Berg's voice was like the voice of the girl in the Exorcist. "History will remember you as a man pleaser." Hehehehehehehehehehehhaahhahahhhah.

Peter just lay on the ground weeping.