Ping Keter's Confession, Complete with an Act of Contrition & Penance

The Mosquito Queen and I were crying out to our dark Master with strong, satisfying farts when I got this prophesy with the help of my spirit helper, Uncle Creepo. I knew it was him by the smell of his stinky breath and clammy hands on my tushie. Uncle Creepo's touch sent me to that special place I go and hide when I'm having sex with by big brother Keysus. This time I went up into the heavenly city spaceship where time is eternal, and Uncle Creepo (who was a Roman Cat'lick before his graduation) took me to hear Ping Keter in the confessional with Father Jim,, the Bishop's Chancellor.

Ping Keter: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 35 years since I prayed the sinner's prayer.

Father Jim: Yes, go on.

Ping Keter: Mistakes were made...

Father Jim: How many mistakes were made, my son?

Ping Keter: A few, along the way--a long time ago. Before 1986, of course. I wish it hadn't happened, but it did.

Father Jim: And what did you do that you feel the need to confess a sin? You've already said the sinner's prayer once in your life...that should cover everything, don't you think? It's not you're a good Catholic Christian. You were born again! It's always been easy for you...

Ping Keter: Well, I'm not sure I really said it. Or that I said it right. Or that I really meant it. Or that Jesus really heard me. I also said it before mistakes were made.

Father Jim: Son, it sounds to me like you've got a problem with neurotic guilt. Mistakes and sins are not always the same thing. I make mistakes when I dial a wrong phone number or send out insensitive emails. I sin when I do something deliberate that offends God.

Ping Keter: Oh, I'm sure I didn't offend God! No way! I'm a child of David! But I might have offended a few innocent children, because sometimes I'm "out of it" and don't always act lovingly...

Father Jim: Are you confessing to touching a child inappropriately, my son?

Ping Keter: Oh, no!! Not me!! The worst "touch" I ever put on a child was when I beat the living hell (excuse me, Father) out of Merry Berg. At least, that's the worst mistake anyone has ever told me I made personally along the way. I wouldn't think too much of it if my step-son hadn't threatened to kill me as a result.

Father Jim: I wonder if there's anything you're leaving out of this confession?

Ping Keter: You mean sins of ommission, Father?

Father Jim: Yes, you can also offend God in the things you fail to do.

Ping Keter: I said I was sorry! I said, "We're sorry if anything happened that might have caused offense to a few people here and there."

Father Jim: Do you feel like this is a good act of contrition, my son?

Ping Keter: Well, yeah. I gotta save face, Father. You don't understand how it is for us guys who are businessmen. No offense, Father, but it ain't like working for the Bishop. Millions of dollars are at stake. Money that could go to saving souls and building up the kingdom of God...

Father Jim: I understand quite a lot about such things, my son.

Ping Keter: Do you, Father??? Really???

Father Jim: Yes, I think so. I may be just a humble priest (er, I mean, academic), but I hold the Office of the Keys, which were handed to the disciple Peter from our Lord and then down to me by Peter's assistants, like Claire and all the other disciples who's names I cannot ever reveal under the seal of the confessional.

Ping Keter: Does the seal of confession mean can't ever say what you really think about the Loving Jesus Revolution?

Father Jim: That's right. I'm not really a theologian, I just get paid to look like one. Because of that, I have the power to grant you the appearance of absolution from sin.

Ping Keter: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I'm truly sorry that mistakes were made that look like grievous mortal sins requiring temporal restitution. I thank God I've found a confessor who understands what's at stake. What is my penance, Father?

Father Jim: You must get down on your knees, bend over and say, "I am Jesus' cunt" three times.

Ping Keter: Is that ALL, Father?

Father Jim: Give me publishing rights to your story?