Judy/Shulamite asked me to put this on

I guess that reminds me to talk about Aaron's suicide when I do the interview. Berg was deceiving all of us from day one. To tell you the truth I learned a lot about Aaron's earlier years from Connie who talked to his first wife Sarah.
Aaron was pretty secretive with me about his family. I remember once I talked to this girl that used to work with Deb's kids, the one who later married Jethro, and now happy. I was going through jetlag, and mentioned it to her, and said, "and I heard Big Josh even got sick when he first got here." Anyway I guess she took that innocent statement back to Deborah, and I remember Aaron coming back to me and saying "We never talk to people outside of the family about things in the family."
You weren't allowed to talk about them unless it was something hyperspiritual. You couldn't humanize them.
I know that when Aaron proposed to me, we started kind of spending a little time together at TSC in the evenings walking, not talking about anything personal, Aaron quoting scripture and sharing the Word with me. You know those phony relationships people had in the early days. A few times we had Nathan with us. Then one day he invited me up to his little box, camper. And he begin reading to me out of Song of Solomon, and sexualizing it. He began kissing me, and put his hands on my breasts while reading from the Bible, it was obvious he wanted to have sex. Well, he was my leader, but he was also acting like he was really desperate, and I was kind of afraid of turning him down. It was not that I was in such a hurry to have sex. I just wanted a husband and father for my baby. But he seemed so desperate that I felt if I turned him down I might offend him, and hurt his feelings, and maybe lose my opportunity to be with him, like he might change his mind. (and looking back, and knowing how unstable he was, I was probably tuned in right) So we had sex. And he went and told Berg about it, who approved it. The next day he came back to me and said, "I don't know what I would have done if you had not had sex with me, I was thinking of suicide."
I was kind of shocked by him mentioning suicide, because I thought him being the leaders son he was more spiritual than that. But I also realized that his wife Sarah had just left with his new baby, and that he had taken a group of men swimming and one of the men had drowned, and he felt responsible for it. So I thought well, even leaders get down when things that traumatic happen.
But if a person is so depressed they are thinking of suicide, that means something is TERRIBLY WRONG. If you are right with God, even if your circumstances aren't very good there is a JOY IN THE LORD, A VICTORY THAT IS NOT DEPENDENT UPON CIRCUMSTANCES. As I look back at the Bergs, none of them were really happy with just the JOY OF THE LORD. Deborah never looked happy to me. She was cold and emotionless. Faithy appeared to be happy, but she was always actually VERY DISTANT. Aaron was never really happy. His joy was a kind of INTELLECTUALIZED JOY, WITHOUT EMOTION.
Real joy in the Lord involves joyful emotions. I used to sing the song when I first got saved, "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart", (where?) "down in my heart" and truly meant it. But I know when Aaron sang songs like, "I'm so happy, I'm so happy, I'm so happy, since Jesus saved my soul." That something was missing. He was trying to be happy. And I understand the concept of faith, when you "walk by faith and not by sight." That even if you don't feel like praising the Lord you praise the Lord. BUT PRAISING THE LORD WHEN YOU ARE BEING ABUSED IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, AND IT REALLY ISN'T THE LORD IS CRAZY MAKING. (like when being woken up in the middle of the night to have sex with Berg, scared to death, but having to praise the Lord about it and be in the victory.) It gives you a PERVERTED VERSION OF GOD. You spirit is driven from God instead ot toward God. But you really aren't rejecting God, you are rejecting the devil and thinking it is God. Makes you crazy.
The Berg kids were afraid to not praise the Lord. They were terrified to murmer. They were terrified to ask to do something that they wanted to do for fear it would be called being selfish. They were not loved unconditionally. They got loved apportioned out to them when they pleased their father. And when they didn't please their father they didn't get love. That is not love.
That is what Davidito was talking about. He was never loved just for being the kid he was. They raised him to be a prince, and he never was asked what he liked to do. They never asked him if he liked working with his hands and would be happier doing that. He was never given a choice. It was dictated to him what he would do. And scared to death not to do what he was told. And that was the same pattern as with Aaron. Their spirits were broken.
I know that Aaron said when we were at Berg's house that he was afraid to be happy because he thought God was always setting him up for the kill. That kind of thinking comes from someone who has suffered a lot of abuse and dissappointment in their life. He said that when we were having sex. He was afraid he was sinning by enjoying sex too much. Then Berg gave him the verse about "at thy right hand are pleasures forever more,", and "Whatever turns you on."
I remember one time when we had sex he kind of turned cold got up grabbed his guitar and wrote the song, "No man that warreth, entangleth himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who hath called him to be a soldier." Now that was real romantic, for a wife who wanted to be loved. Then he told me I was his "wife of the flesh." He was really mixed up.
I never knew Hosea very much. He seemed the most human to me. Esther was also like Faithy. Very distant. Had to make sure that she let me know she considered herself better than me, and didn't want to be brought down to my level. While she was kind a few times, she was never human. Hosea was the only member of the Berg family who ever came to where I was and acknowledged my leadership with my second husband. I think he was more able to see me as a person, and not listening to everything his dad passed around about me. A little more objectivity. And from what Jane said, Berg raised Hosea a lot, so he probably did not get so much abuse.
I remember when we got to England and Aaron was at that time kicked out of the inner circle of his family. He was crying all the time, and he went to the taping room, and put a reel on the tape player and it was Grandmother Berg saying goodbye to him. He had kept this tape amongst his few prized possessions. She said, "And Aaron I'm sorry I never spend as much time with you as the other kids, and didn't get to know you as well as I should have...." He was crying and crying, but it was the crying of someone who felt deeply unloved and deeply rejected by his family.
I guess Berg was not happy with him because of his affair with Connie(Gracie in the Green Door) and because I was going to leave or go home for Christmas over it. Now Aaron had made two more potential enemies of the family Gracie and me. Right at the time his ex-wife had come out on NBC against the family in the US. So Aaron was a security problem to him. I was not to be trusted, because I was a woman who wouldn't share. And if I wouldn't share Aaron, then I wasn't revolutionary enough to be inside the inner circle where even worse stuff than that went on that I didn't know about at the time.
Aaron did not chose Sarah, that was a forced marriage upon both of them by Berg. Aaron told me that he married Sarah because he wanted her to have a good husband. No mention of the fact that he loved her. Apparently Berg had taken them out on a boat and forced them to have sex, even though Sarah was screaming and didn't want to. Abuse of Sarah and Aaron. And I don't know whether Berg had sex with Sarah at that time as well. Probably.
When I was in the hotel with Berg, Maria, Shiffrah, and Aaron, Berg said that "Sarah left because his family had been so mean to her." Well, that I could vouch for, because she was there the first week I joined, and she was nicer and more compassionate towards me than anyone there. But then I heard the real truth from Connie, that Berg had approached Sarah for sex in the shower and she had slapped him. Then Berg had her put on watch in her box and not allowed to come out of the box at camp. But Berg never mentioned it was really his abuse the most that made her leave.
As you notice the pattern here. The Bergs are good at passing the blame onto others, but never able to have any remorse for what they do. Being without remorse for your sins is a classic sign of a psychopath.
I daresay that Aaron's getting together with Sarah a virgin, the abusive way that Berg did it LEFT A MARK ON HIS CONSCIENCE. Because when we got to Paris Aaron kept telling me for days that the Lord told him to do something but he hadn't obeyed. This was a time when he was really depressed and running off for hours everyday without anyone knowing where he went then coming back, and making us worried. Then I finally asked him, "OK Aaron what did God tell you to do?" He said, "The Lord told him he needed to marry Abeille, (Marriane) because otherwise she was going to backslide." So I finally said after not having any sleep for many nights in a row, "OK Aaron if you must do it than do it." So he went over to where the girls were sleeping and told all the girls that he needed to spend some time along with Marrianne and they got up early and left to give him privacy. Well, he came back later and said he hadn't had sex. And I asked why. He said, "Because she is a virgin." This flashed in my mind just the other day. Aaron must have remembered the experience with Sarah, either that or he had more of a conscience than his perverted father Berg had, who wouldn't have hesitated. My guess a little bit of both.
But Aaron I believe had a lot of tormenting memories in his mind, that he never talked about. He didn't dare. He probably knew about his dad having sex with Faithy, and possibly Deb. But he never talked about it. I know that Aaron had doubts. When we were in England Aaron said, "David will make a mistake in the end because everyone makes mistakes so only God gets the glory." But he knew in his spirit that mistakes had already been made.
Up until England, the only person I had seen be really abusive was Deborah, at TSC. She was hard cruel and emotionless. But I didn't know her father had raped her, and she had gotten that way because of her abuse. I had not actually experienced any real abuse from Faithy, Josh(Josh was extremely kind to me), Ho or anyone else until later. Berg abused me indirectly. But he was careful not to directly abuse me and make me leave and become an enemy. Jane actually protected me at times, but that was to keep me from leaving so she could kidnap Merry from me.
Like the rest of you. I was very deceived myself. I never figured out everything until getting a nursing degree, a psych degree, and reading books for ten years, and a lot of the literature sent to me from ex-members enlightened me. Berg was very evil.
I believe that Aaron had a side of him at times that was God, but he was demonized. We all were demonized by the evil teachings of Berg. Everyone who was in there has to ask for prayer to be delivered.
As far as Abner. He was a good guy. I knew him. Deborah told him to bring me up to her cabin while she was gone and rake me over the coals. Abner started to. He started yelling at me to love my baby. When I gave him a look like, "what are you talking about, of course I love my baby." He knew that Deb had sent Aaron to LA when I was 7 months pregnant so that she could then abuse me every chance she got to make me leave. He knew he was being cruel. He just backed off. Then he shared with me how he never came out of his cabin in the morning until he was in the victory, and some of his favorite verses. He just tried to comfort me. Shiffrah,Donna, told me after being out of the family, how bad Abner felt went he went back to the cabin. He knew that Debra had sent him to do something very cruel. Abner died on a motorcycle. But who knows? Who knows that he wasn't so torn up inside by how Deb treated his own wife, and me and a few other people at TSC. Deb treated his wife cruel because she was trying to steal Abner from her. She had her eyes on Abner from day one, and Abner had married Shiffrah to get away from Deborah. I suspect that Abner was starting to wonder about things and have doubts. Abner was as sincere a person as I had ever met. I saw no guile in him. But mercifully he died before he got currupted or did anything really against his conscience. The way he saw me treated probably hurt his conscience as it was, but even that wasn't what Aaron had been through and had seen happen. Abner did not belong in the category of Aaron. Aaron had severe problems from his childhood, and Abner was never in the cult long enough to be that abused and get corrupted.
So I hope this helps Anneke. Do me a favor and download this onto the website. Judy