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In Reply to: Re: apologies posted by Perry on March 15, 2005 at 20:31:32:
Hi Perry,
Maybe I shouldn't buy please let me give a suggestion. Give people, even those who are critical of you, the benefit of the dubt. I read the other post and I don't see that attack you and the other poster get. English is not my first language and maybe that's why I missed something there. Also while an emoticon might have helped, we don't catch a lot in reading and writing written communications.
Also, being sensitive is good but thinking that people are out to get you is not. I am not saying some may be upset with you or for one reason or another their mission in life is to discredit your opinions. There are people like that. But I would like to ask you, how do we know if a post written by somebody, even without a signature, is from a person with a genuine comment or from somebody with an agenda?
It is difficult but our reaction may become a self-fulfilled prophecy. If we assume we are being attacked and act defensively, we may trigger a reaction that will prove to us we were being attacked.
On the other hand, if the reaction is apologetic, we tend to overlook the situation and move on. Imagine me being that way. And everytime you bring up the subject I snap at you only to apologize after you protest. I keep doing the same thing, do my apologies really mean anything anymore? In other words, it is not the apology or lack of it which determines an intention but the history of it. Some people apologize a lot because they snap a lot. No problems with that, as long as the apologies really mean something and induce change in behavior, otherwise they mean nothing.
So my suggestion is that in cases where somebody new appears, give them the benfit of the doubt and if they continue that behavior, whether they apologize about it or not, then you can make a determination as to how to deal with them.
I remember the hypocritical apologies sent out by the leadership in The Family International, I remember the many times there were many hypocritical "revolutions" and changes in word, but not in deed. I am sure you also remember them. As Francis said in Brother Sun, "words, they are only words".
Abused people like us need to learn to stand up to abusers but also need to learn to differentiate who is abusive and who is not. I am offering a way to do just that. Please forgive my arrogance to think I can offer advise but it is a lesson I learned the hard way.
Peace
