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In Reply to: Warning: this is as long & rambling as the weather is bad out posted by Refugee on January 09, 2005 at 00:42:44:
Well, dear Refugee,may I say first of all, that I find the attempt to respond to a victim of abuse is IMO suuuuuper difficult.It's like hearing about a terrain, you want to pass through, being full of landmines...you feel, you can blow it any time...not the "blowing"/flaring up of the victim is meant , but the illustration of being afraid to make a move.But may I say, that I hear all of your & other fellow SGs accounts with sadness & am ashamed, that I was part of that group, helping it so long with my time & energy.
Now what, if a FG happens to be an abuser: I think it would have to be a very courageous soul to come forward & confess the crimes.He/She knows, to be with one foot in jail....depending on the offense.I believe, there are those, who "calm their consciousness" by saying: I was not alone, authorities above me condoned it, did it themselves.May be" I did it in love", the victim seemed to want it...all the excuses we can think of. May be that's why there's just silence from them.Most criminals are not so sacrificial, sacrificing their possible "future" for facing the ugly past.I am not so sure, whether I should mention at all the truth committe in South Africa, but that land impressed me.I was amazed how they handled that difficult past.Interestingly enough, the perpetrators were ugly whites, the ones committed to retain peace in the country, not wanting civil war, were coloured people.I mention that, cause how to undo evil, is quite a difficult thing & countries have their different experiences with it.
I am ashamed to admit, that I am not yet an expert in knowing/analysing sufficiently the awfully shameful past of Germany, being a German...it has become almost a quote,that many outsiders could hardly understand, how a people of fairly educated & artminded humans could degenerate that much.The role of religion, be it on the catholic side & even on the Lutheran side, as Luther's tirades against the Jews are considered usually authentic (strange enough, there's a study of Hebrew academics, thinking it to be a forgery...don't know, am sceptical about that,), is widely accepted as one factor...the economic problems another, using the Jews as a focus, a scapegoat.
But the whole issue leaves you speechless.Related is the turmoil, the catastrophe in Cambodia under Pol Pot....Stalin comes also in mind....Idi Amin...then Ruanda.
Is it an avenue, to ponder about the suffering of mankind ?Does that help, to be part in the mass of the innocent, the eviltreated?To know, others suffered, to read respective biographies?
If someone died, then any money can't bring back those loved ones... In dealing with the Nazi-past, one thing were the Nazi-trials.Lots of perpetrators could flee though, some judges & army officers made career in government & stateservices later.That wasn't real justice & the purge under the allies was far from complete.Also right after the war, after some shock the country went into silence & "denial" about the past.
The financial payments a must, but that doesn't close deep wounds.It is good to know, that some Germans had real courage to hide Jews or protest, but there were too few.I think it's also relevant, how the Nazis came to power & how they eliminated opposition.They "purged" quite thoroughly & in general there was an atmosphere of fear from spies/traitors, turning you over to authorities.The fearfactor is quite important.The flaming rhetoric they had, to come politically to power, another.Plus Germany was in shambles (morally & whatnot-down) after the lost first worldwar, also the heavy repayments through the verdict of Versailles.The whole thing was quite a dangerous "mixture", the Nazis the ones who exploited that.In that context,by the way, I am glad, I am back to preTF feelings regarding the Jews.I am glad, I could bunk that dark side too, being so extremely anti-Jewish.Thanks for the bookrecommendations also!
As far as TF is concerned, I am not so sure and mentioned that before, how much Berg & Co. were "planning to deceive" from the beginning.I believe, he had some onewifethings already in mind...he already practised some of that before.Let's say, you're whole-consciously e.g. a religious deceiver: to me that'd imply, the guy knows he's a fake, but just a "damn" good actor.I am more inclined to think, that his delusions were very heavy.He believed "to be Napoleon".Call it being mad, obsessed or whatnot.
I think it was Pol Pot, ideologically being super deceived by philosophical studies in Paris, if I recall right, who also wanted to erase the role of the natural family, plus that of (western) education...farming (back to nature) the big goal.
So deception comes first, religiously, philosophically, politically...starts with the mind...it's so strong, you believe it & some jump on that bandwagon to help you, to bask in that glory.It's somehow striking, that many of these evildoers were such dictators, but the full dictatorship doesn't show up always immediately...
By the way, one of my most favourite letters in the beginning was: Your declaration of independence....I felt an urge to follow that letter, but wasn't sure to be strong enough without others (as a "missionary"), on my own, as that liberty you just "had by word from above" (& anyway...)
Since that Stanford experiment gives evidence, that "fairly normal" people could mistreat others in certain circumstances, it just proves to me, that some/many of us would have reacted "normal", not harmful, hadn't we've been in that "environment".Although I don't think it explains
sexual abuse.I think for that you just got to allow for, let's call it that way, a very dirty
fantasy, getting aroused as the goal, contrary to the normal, allowed, accepted pattern.Lust rather than love.I'd say we were part of the Family of lust.
Why did we volunteer to stay & not quit, when things became worse & worse?
I think it also depends, what people experience as their "break down/out/free"-point.With me it was 1989 to see the Combo-revolution...what I "smelled" of it, I didn't like, I wanted my 1 1/2 year old firstborn (son) for "myself" so to speak...I couldn't see, why it'd be better to give him into other hands, who had no link with him.I felt "selfish", yet deep down, I thought it was best, even at the risk, of not being so "revolutionary" anymore.I could somehow endure all that sharing business, even if I seldom had my heart in it, I even lost a Indian girl through FFing...all that was " less straining"...cause those were adults...my breakingpoint was my parental love, that I didn't want to sacrifice for the Combovision. TF had managed their fleshfamily affairs already before, so I didn't want that "new" way....I was in general a bit tired of always new theories & revolutions, changing constantly...just because that man considered it to be a sign of life.For me it's now a sign for not having many principle,feeling little obligation.I believe nowadays more than ever in certain principles, especially also the "holiness" , wholeness of the natural family.
I understand, that it's puzzling for many of you, why we joined in the first place, seems, looking back, like an awful thing to have done.But then, at our day of joining, we looked forward, had dreams, great hopes and for me it meant a lot, to receive lots of hugs, wellwishes, united prayer, singing, cooking together, doing all things in common & at that time the singles were still very much single.I felt like an iceblock melting.Since I was in esoteric stuff & Asian religion, it might "amuse" you to hear, how I decided to join: That night I joined, I had two offers, my best friend wanted to go to a rockconcert & I contemplated on going to the poorboyclub in Berlin, although I had already prayed with someone on the street, I still had my various books & my pendulum. I thought that thing was "neat", "funny"...(I had very few
watches in my apartment & never on the wrist, they disturbed me...there were enough in town..often I would use the pendulum, to determin for fun the time & it worked, I thought, there must be something to it)...that night I used for the last time in my life: my pendulum...& the decision was: to go to the poorboyclub...It was always
hard for me to make decisions, what to study, what Jeans to wear......Nowadays I would have liked to have gone to the rockconcert,...(stupid pendulum) but I did learn something in those years. All to say, my loneliness, my religious quest (otherwise I would probably have gone to India)...looking for inner peace & love was what "drove me".
I can't say, TF didn't have love for people, sad to say many SGs got to say , that TF had more love & time for the outsiders.True, in a way...the dedicated saw there the need to put the huge demand in the world first, also giving the example of the sacificing heros in history.I must say, that when I joined, the couples with children I met had lots of love for their little ones...which also weren't often in schoolage yet.I think with the growing number of kids, conditions became worse & that's were also TF became much weirder than it already was, looking from another angle.At that time backsliders were considered weak & to stay meant a "swelling brest with pride".
I guess I stayed, because I was proud, as simple as that, proud to be religiously good, on the right side.
In closing I want to stress one more time factors for staying long: Knowledge, what's wrong in the world & in religion & thinking to know, what's right & expected of us humans & offered in return... religious pride, to be in the best group... no loneliness, lots of fulfilling activities...fear to fail God & others... and when bad reports came up:must be lies of the enemy, for doing such a good work...plus the rapture was timewise not so far away, expected.... In that "climate" you must have a personal "breakawaypoint", where you're individually dissatisfied, stressed & not convinced anymore....I praise the ones, who managed to reach that point very early after joining....for us" old bottles" it's now quite difficult (yet rewarding) to keep pace in society...may be another reason, why some stick to their rusty guns & remain in TF.
(Should think of the benefits: earning your lifelyhood in an honest way, no more heartpain by
soliciting funds through lies)
I have the feeling, that time works against TF, too many lies & atrocities...those who bear all that must be quite "wellsoaked", impregnated or having a very thick skin .In TF you can't be a basketcase & good health is not guaranteed in TF either.Let's hope, that many more will leave soon, also much thanks to your efforts!!!!
I liked your letters to Zerby, thinking it was you???!!!I wanted to praise you for the strong way you worded it.My respect!!!!
Refugee, I hope you have your moments of happiness & smiles...may they increase more & more.
