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In Reply to: Re: Does this bring back memories? posted by Farmer on September 07, 2004 at 13:17:15:
Dear Family,
GBY for your faithful tithes & offerings that keep the Family going! We're winning the World & making progress all the time as we march forward as one unified army for the Lord, conquering one heart at a time! I'm sure the Lord is pleased with your efforts & the proof is that the Devil is so mad & using these bulletin boards to attack our good works & stirring up backsliders against us. We're so proud of you, dear Family.
Now after this initial buttering-up, let's get down to the reason I'm wrting this Mommmy Mama Letter. I need money, lots of money, your money. But you're already tithing 14% & giving as much as we can possibly squeeze out of you. So how am I going to get you to give? Offer to sell you something you can't refuse to buy. Actually, "sell" is a bad word & cheapens the wonderful gift you will be receiving, so let's not use the word "sell." Let's just say I'll mail you something in return for a suitably-sized gift in currency.
Dad once said that we could sell hairs from the Prophet's beard & wondered how much they would be worth. Well let's find out. After Dad died, the girls & I plucked out his beard & saved all the hairs in a shopping bag which I have kept under myk dresser all this time, for a rainy day, you might say. Well the rainy day has come. Davidito (whom the backsliders know as Ricky) has organized a team of SGs to try to hunt me down, & I need a new & larger Flee Fund to stay just one step ahead of him. I also need several pairs of shiny, comfortable new shoes to do a lot of walking, as well as lots of mascara & other make-up to disguise myself whenever I have to go out in public. I also need brand new sets of luggage & enough money to buy airplane tickets, pay for hotel rooms & expensive meals. I'm worth it all, as you surely know.
All of these things I need cost money, so I am pulling out my bag of Dad's beard hairs & we will be sending one hair to each loyal Family member who sends in a gift of $500 to WS, designated "Mommy Mama's Flee Fund." Remember, this $500 is above & beyond your tithe & your regular gifts & offerings & sacrifices.
I don't think it's too much to ask you to give your worthless material things of this world for a hair from the beard of the Prophet, do you? Our dear Husband, Abrahim, said. "They give. You see. They give shekels for beards of David. You see. No wine, donkeys stubborn, but plenty of beard hairs."
I'm waiting to flee from my son, but my escaping depends on you, faithful Family members, sending in your gifts today. The secretaries are sitting here waiting to stuff your beard-hair into an envelope. Will you give?
