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In Reply to: Re: on cock shoving posted by bystander on September 02, 2004 at 17:05:11:
You wrote:
"If 2000 SGs were abused, that means 2000 FGs were abusers. And if we weren't doing the abusing, we knew people who were. Or we were reading about it in the publications. Or we were sending in our tithes to support the chief abusers who could publish more literature condoning and covering up abuse."
WRONG!!
You know why i am so sick of all this shit slinging and categorical blaming? Because even in the community of professionals that have been both in a cult and have professionally opposed cults and worked with cult survivors, there is an understanding of joining via RECRUITMENT vs. "JOINING". You're saying that if 2000 SGs were abused then 2000 FG's are abusers is statistically unscientific and remedial at best.
Most of us would have run the other way if we had any CLUE of what the family was to become. Some stayed because of fear, separations from family, being in foreign countries and long cut off from any family of origin IF they even had safe family of origin. Most original fg joined as teens and in their early twenties. THEN it was not a sex cult but was abusive due to control, but NOT sexual. All the hardships that SGS named--they are heartbreaking, horrific and terribly terribly wrong. But many terrible things happened to FGs too. And guess what? SOME FGs have had more abuse than SOME SGs. Saying this does not discount any abuse SGs have experienced, but it is as abusive to some of us that are FGs to have SGs categorically accuse FGs as "joining" and building and causing the things that came about. BERG and then ZERBY and whats his name now did that. And there are individual leaders that wreaked way more havoc on SGS than others did.
Some FGs experienced an extreme amount of abuse. EXTREME. VERY EXTREME. Including the "cock shoving" from forced "sharing". Just because someone is 18 or over, in a coercive group and in foreign fields with no connections and a horrible God that was supposed to be loving and demands the most hideous of things from you but was originally presented as SAFE and LOVING...well
hell yes..we are all survivors. Some to greater and lesser extremes but that is NOT for me to judge. The only book I saw was the Davidito one and then the letters like Marry time that started talking about child with child sex and marriage and a vision of shipping kids to schools in foreign countries. I left at that time. I felt wrong! But I could not handle that happening and was so fucking numbed out that I would rather God strike the airplane we were on when I jumped out and kill us all than deal with another second of that shit. i was not there for any of the mene or techi or heaven's girl stuff or burn after reading crap. I think my leaving was more attached to having been RAPED as a kid by an army sargeant neighbor at the age of 9, having my family blame me for it and treat me like a whore. Being tortured and abused by my family of origin and finding a group of young "Christians" who just witnessed back then. I left because the sex shit was causing me to start to literally CRACK. This shit is PAINFUL. VERY VERY PAINFUL FOR FGS TOO. I died inside when separated from my kids but there was no known way out for me. SGs grew up and rebelled not believing all the crap. We were indoctrinated slowly and doctrines got creepier and creepier with time.
I cannot tell you how many times I was dealt with. I was in a selah home. But it was one where about three families were being dealt with. I was sent there because I had been separated from my kids and offered a job with some Scandinavian leadership watching their kids. This was after a breakdown within the family when i was forced to move back in with my "mate" and his new partner. When this all blew up I wanted to leave and I could not even speak. I was guarded and it seemed like everyone was whispering. I was sent on the road for a two week "break" and then instead of letting me back with my kids I was sent to Finland. There I stayed and when offered the position which meant I would have to forsake my own kids and be a secretary/nanny for them.. I don't remember what I said, but it was highly sarcastic and biting out of deadness inside...no more fear..too damn numb. I had written a poem called "The Overall war" I don't remember the verses in it but the chorus went: "But after all the overall war is the most important by far" and it entailed sacrifices that ended up with realizing "all the sheep had died.."
Leadership was having all these closed door meetings and then I was sent to the selah "Problem Parent Home" where charts were kept on the walls of a fucking bus. Anytime one little thing was not "right" a little figure of each of us parents was moved towards the back of the bus. Crimes like, leaving a brush out for example..
I had an injury where I think I fractured a bone but was not allowed to go to a doc because it was "selah". We were sent out with heavy burdens of lit quotas and had to hitchhike to a destination, often a burnt out small town that was "hardened" to our (sh)lit.
I have been put up against a wall and emotionally broken down after being woken up in the middle of the night for having asked my mate to hold our baby..
I have had hard nasty labor such as mega loads of nasty shitty and pissy baby diapers which I had to rinse out in toilets without gloves, big bucketfulls.
I have been dealt with for refusing sex to my mate when I was pg and in pain. Had to sleep in a leaders room on the floor beside their bed for 'observation'
Goddamit! I have had my fucking share of abuse. Maybe this won't end this railing, but maybe some of you FGs that write that you are so to blame ARE! Maybe you are some of the fucking cock sticker in-ners or child molesters that got off to that kind of shit. If so..fine, if the shoe fits wear it. BUT ONE GODDAMN SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL.
