In Reply to: Intimacy/isolation posted by SG on June 08, 2004 at 13:23:01:
I relate to the intimacy issue. It took me years. The first breakthrough was getting attached to a pet. I would get pets and then find good homes for them because after a few months, I would get real antzy and just could not bond with them. Then I did with one who just pushed her way into my life and would not let me get rid of her.
A few years later when I was not even expecting it that happened with a person that I am still together with and it has been almost 4 years. I felt hopeless regarding intimacy. I could think empathy but I could not feel it. That is sort of like being in a waking coma.
All I can say is that it can get better. Much better. It may take time, maybe more time than you will like but you will wake up to a whole array of feelings if you hang in there.
It is like being in the freezing cold and becoming very numb. When you first come close to the fire you cannot feel it, and then it begins to sting and burn. Coming alive can be painful but the thawing out part does not last forever. You will thaw out and find what you want if you pursue it, keeping in mind that there is not any expectation of when you will find it.
Words like "Love" have been sooooooo misused and abused in the family, it can feel impossible to have true love. But you can and I know you will if you hang in there and give yourself the space to grieve and become vulnerable with the right person, step by step.
When I first became intimate, it was a very unpleasant experience for me. I did not even like to be touched. I remember crying and saying to the person I am now with that she should leave me because I did not believe that I could ever get over having a very very sick feeling when being intimate. I still have issues in some areas, but this person stuck through all of it with me and I stuck through a lot with her. We help each other in so many ways. It was real painful and scary, warming up, and I tried it before once with a person that was not safe. But I did not give up. I cut that one loose, backed off for a long time and then this one I am with came into my life with a bang. When she told me that she would stay with me and wanted to be with me even if I was never capable of being intimate with her, I cried in her arms. I had never felt such real unconditional love. Life was not perfect after that as it took me lots of time to get used to touch and that was at times VERY frustrating for her. But now I love to be held, cuddled, AND I have space when I need it. Relationships take a lot of time and work and some are successful while others are not. You will have it if you hang in there!! Perhaps getting into a hobby of some sort, like a leisure class in an area of interest will bring you closer to others. Some good groups for feeling safe to practice this are groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics or Al-Anon. You deserve to have a life worth celebrating!