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In Reply to: My Story posted by Anonymous on April 29, 2004 at 14:42:59:
It's a huge step to share your story the way you have. Whenever I have done something similar with sharing my secrets--particularly at the exfamily.org site--I want to run and hide for a few days. Sometimes I do. I'm always afraid that someone will decide to speak up for that false, oppressive "father god" who kept me silent and powerless for so many years of my life.
My first reaction to your story is that all of the feelings and perceptions you expressed are totally normal, even if the events surrounding those feelings & perceptions are far from normal.
The shame thing is a killer. Feeling guilty is the notion that I have done something wrong. Well, I can say I'm sorry, make an amends, and change my ways. Feeling shame is the notion that I AM a wrong, bad person to the core of my being. What can I say or do to change that belief about myself? Self-rejection is extremely powerful and destructive. Also, very painful and difficult to change.
Different folks have different ways of working through the shame thing. I can only talk about what works for me. I didn't find an instant cure. That said, my own relative freedom from shame has been a spiritual journey that came through getting in touch with my higher power. For me, it wasn't like, OK, now I'm saved/healed and I'm a new person. It was more like this: over a long period of time, I've allowed myself to trust and love a "sacred other" who made no demands of me. My shamed self makes lots of demands of me--she beats me to a bloody pulp at times. But my sacred other is like a warm blanket--she holds me and lets me know I am safe.
Did you ever read the story of The Little Prince? He tames a wild creature by consistently sitting at a safe distance and doing little more than being present every day in a nonthreatening way. Over time, the prince moves slowly closer to the wild thing, until finally, they touch and become friends.
At first, I had to sit (meditate) with only the hope that my sacred other actually exists. Maybe I willed her into existence or maybe there really is a Higher Power who intervenes and takes the scales off our blind eyes--whatever--all I can say is that I found a loving, loveable sacred other who makes no demands and tells me I'm OK.
One thing about your story that is of some concern to me is your desire to tell your sisters and expose your brother. I won't tell you not to do it, but I will strongly urge you to get lots of emotional and social support. If you "come out" to your family, it is possible they will say you are lying or that you're crazy or that you're making a big deal over a small thing or that you should forgive & forget.
My family was the kind that liked to tell me I'm crazy. So I went to a therapist, which helps a lot. Now I have a lable for my mental illness, and I know how to manage the symptoms. But truth be told, what helped me the most was belonging to a women's support group. When I went through the worst times of family members telling me I was sick, wrong, disturbed, a trouble-maker, or ignoring me, cursing me, pleading with me to "drop it", etc., I had another family of women in recovery saying, "Yeah, that happened to me, too. This is how I dealt with it and this is what I learned from the experience you're talking about."
I can't say enough about the power of women helping women. We wouldn't even be talking about the realities of childhood abuse today if it weren't for a history of women coming together to share their experience, strength and hope. I'm not saying men can't be part of the healing process. I am saying that I was empowered with strength, healing and hope by the community of women in recovery.
