Memory

It shuts out everything I don’t want to remember by compiling years of bad memories all under one file and titling it under bad do not open. When my brain comes across that file it feels confused, frightened and a general feeling of hopelessness and dread and quickly moves on. Some times the file is triggered open accidentally but mostly I can keep it tightly closed and focus on other more immediately important and more easily handled issues. I only open that file when I am alone and I feel like it may brake open and consume me if I don’t, I open it in the hopes of sorting and deleting and making sense of some of the contents. When opened the words fly at me at 100 miles an hour and often one message blurs into the next. It takes great effort to slow it down sort it out and try to piece it together. When something bad happens I generally feel numb and just do what I have to do then weeks, or months and sometimes years latter it hits me out of the blew and forces me to have some sort of feeling about it. I even have a name for this in-between time, I call it survival mode, as you do not feel alive, as if you are playing a part in a play, just doing what you have to do. At times I have found it difficult to make new memories. Sometimes I have to focus on memorized facts just to keep it under control, my mothers name is, my fathers name is, I was born in. After I allow myself to remember unwanted memories my memory seems to be better for awhile and allow new memories to form. As if just accepting old fact allows new facts to also be accepted. Is this a normal reaction when you are trying to deal with strange issues? Does anyone know what I’m talking about?