Comparative Christianity
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1
Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish:
What's a light bulb?
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How many "Family" members does it take to change a light bulb?:
Answer: You would need: 1000, 2000, 3000,--or whatever is the most recent reported and inflated population statistics of the Family.
Everyone in the "Family' is required for such a security-sensitive mission.
It would require DO emergency alerts from the Queenly-Kingly types (to be burned after reading), full adherence to the bloated LOVE CHARTER, open or closed unfair voting, with a majority in each home needed to decide who will buy the bulb and who will partner the shopper on this "secret mission" for Jesus.
Before doing anything, "Mama" would need to remind all dedicated soldiers to: pray, LOVE JESUS, counsel, and finally, and most importantly of all, contact national CRO offices for guidelines, advice, and the proper times when it is best to do such worldly activities.
If Family members don't do this, they would only make the CRO's jobs all the harder. The CROs have nothing to do anyways, except to think for the Family--that is such hard work, doing nothing,--and thinking for other people.
So make life easier for the hard-working CROs and get their necessary permission before endeavoring to pursue any such spiritually-sensitive and time-consuming worldly home-improvements. Remember, the Family represent the Lord's final manifestation of His love in these last days on earth.
Actually....I....wait....just a minute....stop the presses! That is all wrong. I have a message here from their spokesman.
The Family spokesman is correcting me. Forgive me. They are telling me that things have changed--in the Family. They have reported to me that everything has changed now. It's not what is was like when we were there.
Oh, that is such good news. Isn't that wonderful news everyone? They are telling me that they are free individuals who have chosen freely this lifestyle. This is wonderful news. Amazing.
They are telling me that they thought this joke was funny, too. They have a sense of humor! Wow! And they are telling me that the light bulb joke is about the past, another time, that is no longer relevant to the Cult today.
Wow. I am so impressed with the Family now and the spokesman was so bold. Just one question, though, before I go. Okay?
Could I ask you, Mr. Spokesman, one question? "Isn't it a little dark in here? Don't you think? Why are we----"
Family spokesman: "Dark? What dark? Could you clarify what you mean by dark?"
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From writer of "Family" section: If this was obscure and abstract, just replace the word "Cult" for "Family" and you will get the idea.