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In Reply to: Could some SGs answer this question? posted by Oldtimer on December 13, 2003 at 19:32:06:
Hi.
This is a very complicated and involved subject, and I am sure that each SG would have their own answers and feelings, so of course I can only tell you mine. It's very complicated, and in many ways I am still even trying to figure it out myself--why I thought the things that I thought, felt what I did, etc. It may be years before I know all of the ways in which I was affected, so this is of course not the whole picture, just a short answer to your question.
For me it was not so much fear of God or what He would do to me. Yes, I did believe in God. I still do--just not their fucked-up god. I think for us SGs, especially us older ones, the way the cult used their pressure/fear tactics on us is more closely related to the way a child reacts to an abusive parent. Let me explain what I mean.
In the Family, our parents were taken away from us. It was not just us taken away from them. We knew from an early age that we "belonged" to the group. We were read "One Wife" until our ears hurt. In many cases we were separated from our parents for years, on different continents, or "adopted out" to "foster" families. Almost every one of us, to a man, were put in a group situation for years, in schools, retraining centers, teen homes, etc. Many of us were told that our parents were problem cases, and not fit to raise us. We knew first hand that the Family believed that parents were some of the worst people to train their own children because they couldn't be unbiased about their discipline or some shit like that. Everything that most normal children are supposed to learn from their parents, from sex to health issues, to how to care for yourself, was taught to us by Berg's letters or some leader or some shepherd. In essence, the cult "became" our parents.
And so instead of being able to look to our parents, or even our peers for validation, acceptence, encouragement and recognition, we had to look to "the Family" for it. And just as a child who lives with an overbearing or abusive parent knows, you can never please them, there is never going to be a point where you do right by them, where they are proud of you. No matter how many "breakings" we went through, or how hard we tried to be perfect or do the right thing, or be a good little disciple, no matter how many hoops we jumped through, it was never enough. We never did it just right, or there would be some other new rule, law or thing that we were now falling short in. It was like a nightmare: the minute you felt you had one thing covered or overcome, they'd have another one for you that you were screwing up in. Take for example the simple fact that so many of us used to get in trouble for "our countanence" (sorry if that is spelled wrong). We never smiled enough. I remember spending many of my waking hours around other adults and shepherds wondering if my face had the right fucking expression. Or if I was saying the exact right words that would not be read into as some demon in my heart that I didn't know about. I mean, that's gotta do something to a persons mind.
Yet, TF was all we knew. Again, just as a child from an abusive family doesn't know that there are millions of other children who grow up accepted and loved for who they are and who are not beaten because they spill their milk, we only knew our "parents" , TF, and they were the only ones who we could get our acceptence from. They were the "family" that we had to please. And we wanted to be accepted, validated; we wanted to be loved. We wanted to be told that we were a good person, worthy of love, worthy of the people who raised us, that we were strong or good, or useful. So no matter how many new "hoops" they came up with, or how high they would raise them, we'd try to jump through them.
So I think in many ways for us you could say that it wasn't as much about believing in TF doctrines or TF's god as it was about preformance; trying to please them. It wasn't until one day we woke up to the fact that no matter how hard we tried, we would never be what they wanted us to be, we would never be good enough, and also that we can get our validation and acceptence from other things (in the real world), that we started to break free and found the courage to leave.
Hope that helps.
