Guilt and being positive

This may not be a popular topic but not all my experience in TF was negative. At the same time, I don't run away from my responsibility for the part I had in the building on Berg's empire. But then again, what little I can do to make ammends for that responsibility is a matter of personal choice. I don't do it for personal gain other than to help undo what I once did. Even if it was not directly done or initiated by me, I was a cog in that machinery of evil that Berg built. Again, it is the result of personal choice and in no ways I push others to do the same even as I wish that more did.

Many SGAs were abused in one form or another and many FGAs were perpetrators or witnessed abuse. What this means is that not all FGs are guilty or witnessed anything and not all SG were abused. I suspect that these are no more than a handful. Does anybody think it was possible to be in TF for over a couple of years and not have known what was going on? Not me. But there is another side, a much larger group, everybody else for that matter. The group of people who, for whatever reason, took part in Berg's world of abuse, some as abused, others as perpetrators and then an overlapping group of observers.

Not getting involved when a crime is taking place may be survival but it is still wrong. In some cases, one cannot get involved because of lack of power, like minors and some adults. Because TF pushed half-hearted people out, people who had grown callous to the horrible teachings of abuse stayed. People were leaving all the time but we kept staying (until we finally left). Does it matter why we didn’t leave? that we were brainwashed or under a spell? I am not talking about physically leaving a place but mentally, emotionally and spiritually leaving the teachings of the family and participation in their doctrines and teachings, tithing, etc.

Some people seem to think that they are innocent, and they may very well be. If they are the exception and they feel that way, more power to them, they are a minority and let them step out of the way when others come to find justice. Other maybe don’t like to feel guilty, that’s fine too, for the vast majority of people remorse is an important step towards healing. Shifting the blame and responsibility is a weak temporary solution.

I was in the F for 13 years but when I actually began seeing how the craziness was developing and had been set in motion. When new letters started being read about more generalized pedophilia, letters which were burned immediately after reading, when I saw some otherwise "sweet" people developing a taste for 12 year-old girls, I didn't want my children in that environment. I knew that somehow the whole thing was poisoned and that time to move on had come. It took a while to physically leave but my heart was not in there anymore. The poison and its origin started being obvious. I couldn’t understand why I had stayed after Kohoutek and Kadafi, after the Arthur series and FFing, the fake RNR, the push for money, the conversion into a mainstream Christian denomination. I couldn’t understand why I had maintained it was all OK. But that is what happens when we wake up and are faced with reality.

Still the vast majority stayed as I had stayed after each one of those calls. so at a certain level I am responsible for what happened in my watch. Weren’t we supposed to have been called as Watchmen? Many left earlier than me, even before Davidito or the Arthur's series, but responsibility is a personal matter. Those who don't want to take responsibility are exercising this right.

Personally, considering all that has transpired over the years, even considering the misinformation that continues to take place inside TF throughout the letters and the GNs, but most of all the way they practice their religion, I cannot think they are innocent bystanders. The same applies for me and I feel guilty for my part in those years.

Some prefer to count themselves as victims, I don't. I am proud of the many good things I did in TF and that cannot be taken away from me. I learned good things and are useful in my daily life. I understand criminals victimized me, that I was lied to and deceived. I was abused at many important and personal levels but I turned into a person who is more than that. I was wounded but I know that dwelling in the wounds is not a positive experience.

It is difficult because they are a few and far in between but I choose to live looking at the positive experiences without running away from the responsibility of what my part was in that nightmare. I feel sorry that some may not have had any positive experiences to fall back on to but still doesn't exempt them from what they know or saw.

Likewise, just because some didn't have any positive experiences or choose not to acknowledge them doesn't mean they didn't exist. I just wish that the dream hadn't turned into a nightmare that trapped so many.