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In Reply to: About the ethics discussion posted by anovagrrl on December 09, 2003 at 06:46:07:
A woman is living with an extremely abusive man who has raped her. But when he first met her he was very charming. The abuse was progressive. She has a child (biological child of her and the abuser.) Her known options are : If I ever try to leave, he will hunt me down and kill me. (Her husband has lots of connections to law enforcement.) If I leave I will lose the child to him (he makes most of the money and has threatened to take the child away.) How can I protect the child at all if I leave? So I stay and take the brunt of the beating. She is isolated because her husband checks up on her, gets very jealous if she goes anywhere that he does not know about, he is even jealous of girlfriends. This same woman grew up in a house where she was treated similarly by a biological parent.
She does not realize any other options because she feels she can not escape him. And to some degree, this has been proven to her when the cops, her husbands buddies, did not seriously investigate her injuries.
Another scenario:
A woman that is sexually and physically abused as a child by sadistic family members flees home and sees a cult that is not then known as a "cult". She is not capable of surviving the streets as she has been so isolated by her abusers at home from the outside world. Her father and mother work with law enforcement. She "knows" that if she seeks help from the forces that are supposed to protect her, that they are friends with her parents. Her known options are: Get molested and used by people on the streets, get a pimp, join a group of people that seem loving and say they have all the answers to the worlds problems. They present a healthy front and are "Christian". In this group she learns to pray, witness, feed the poor. It is quite positive compared to what she has known. She does not recognize the control factors for what they are because at least in this environment she believes that people love and care about her. She learns that God is very real and very personal. Also that God is watching and will punish her severely if she steps out of line and DOES NOT CONFESS. This includes her thoughts, actions, etc. When she does confess, even really trite stuff, she feels a huge relief. A high. Because no matter how bad her thoughts are or deeds (having independent thought being a huge sin) that God will forgive her and take her back. It doesn't take long before the initial love bombing is replaced by work and more work and 24 hr surveillance, studies, etc. She does not even leave a building in an urban setting because she does not have clearance to, for a few months. (Except for a few group outings where she is escorted by a "buddy") On a weekly basis there are sessions that last all night until the next day where she is part of a group process to deal with her personality and destroy her independent thoughts. (Which are not that many from what she has come out of.) Still, there is nothing overtly sinister beyond the control of the group leaders, a small handful of leaders. She learns that the group is headed by a man who she does not see or meet in person who is idealized and presented as a person who hears directly from God. She sees positive things happen to many people due to the controlled environment. Like a person that is so wasted on LSD that he cannot keep his eyes from drifting up to the ceiling. He is put on earphones and tapes are played 24 hrs. He gets better. She sees people cry and find relief from lives that are very broken. She experienced that herself. After some time, the sinister side starts to develop. But by this time she is convinced that any bad feelings she has about it are "of the devil". Surely something that does such good and says it is about such good is right. She has already been well trained that internally, she is wrong, stupid, ignorant, no good without her abuser. Now God takes the abuser slot.
She is moved around the country, she has no safe home or relatives to go to. She was already isolated. Guards and buddies are there to "protect" her in the family.
Eventually she has kids. Doctrines change over and over again. Gods love shifts to sexual love. She feels real bad about it, but that bad feeling is her listening to the devil. On a subconcious level, there is no option of a safe place to go. On an overt level, reinforcement strongly underscores that she is in God's perfect will and to step outside of it would be to lose her life, or to cause that to loved ones.
The sex becomes paramount, and she dissociates. She is stunned. How can this "safe place" she found be doing this to her? How can it be filtering down to children. She hates the "free love" because it feels just like the rape she had in her family of origin, in her abuser husband and now in this group. God is the ultimate rapist. He loves her as long as she does not resist. She reaches a snapping point realizing her kids will be facing this. Some already have on top leadership levels. She feels it is a weakness of hers that she cannot deal with it and begins to have major panic attacks on a daily basis. Heart racing, going out of control, diarrhea, feels like she is dying. One day, on impulse she just grabs her kids, some funds that were supposed to be for going overseas. By some miracle everything is in place for her to jump. Before, there were separations from family. The knowlege that the kids could be spirited away on the family underground railroad.
She leaves, feeling on the verge of break down. She has no place left to go, but feels death would be better. That is how narrow her options are to her. She goes thru hell and raises her kids alone on minimum wage jobs.
She finds boards where other exers meet yrs later. She is happy to find support. But she hears the same messages from some. She was "stupid", "ignorant", "irresponsible" to have joined.
I would say she is brave, strong and should be applauded for having gotten out against all odds.
I would further say that the anger, justified for all ex-G's, would best be suited going directly at the DIRECT perpetrators. Namely the top leaders of the family and the direct perpetrators that molested and abused kids and that was in their nature. Anything else is misdirected anger and only hurts all parties concerned. It further gladdens the family to see all the in-fighting and blame going on between ex-members.
Anovagirl is right in saying that it is appropriate to say that a person is sorry that they did not respond, but it is important imo to go a step further and say that realistically, many knew no other options and did the best they could to get out themselves, often not realizing that getting out was the best thing until they were out for awhile.
(This scenario is based on a mixture of different stories of exers.)
