|
In Reply to: screwed up childhood posted by porceleindoll on August 28, 2003 at 17:55:23:
Thanks for the well written, in-a-nutshell description of how life was for you, in general regarding sexuality as an SG. There is a lot of painful fallout for family members as we were all taught that not to follow the latest teachings was to be "half-hearted" at best and "of the devil and worthy of death" at (some of the ) worst.
It is a horrible emotional abuse to have to be always watching and avoiding perps and then to watch others unable to do so get raped. This is not to mention being humiliated and broken down. Then multiply that (for you) to every day of your life growing up in that group.
First we are told how we should be to be whole-hearted and dedicated to Jesus. (via his lecherous top leader of course.) and we are repeatedly seeing and/or experiencing examples of being dealt with which included death. ('It happened because they chose to be 10% instead of 110%' etc. ) Even choices were not really choices because to 'choose' the wrong option there was a very high price to pay quite often.
It is no wonder about your trust and trouble with sexuality. You were dealt with since you were just a young child! You got the family at its worst. And all those changes in doctrine, that is so typical of the family. I think it confuses people and keeps them from developing any real stability. Berg, and now Zerb have that pattern of making rape and other horrors look like a small sacrifice that should be an honor! That is real twisted!! And the victims are "bad, devilish, selfish, full of pride" etc. when they resist, even if by just trying their best to avoid it all.
I hope that you will continue to heal in all areas where you have been so gravely wounded. You certainly deserve it! And healing is a process that we all need as exers. What you described as your thought on how kids should experience sexuality (as it naturally arises and between themselves when it does) is the rightful norm in most of the world. Berg tried to normalize his horror (and Zerb too) using experts (who I am sure were either pedophiles or well paid sociopaths themselves or just plain snowed)opinions and distorting the facts. There are so many losses here:
Loss of normal childhood
Loss of or annihilation of positive sense of self esteem (via creation and magnification of negative self esteem in the name of Jesus)
Survivors Guilt (seeing others get it when you avoided it, and then taking on guilt that was not yours to take, but belonged to the perps)
Victims Guilt (from the sexual abuse of being treated as a little sexual object as a child, and trained that way)
Loss of Spirituality ( difficulty to establish a connection with a religion or develop a higher sense of self due to yrs of having your own spirit crushed at such a tiny and tender age)
Loss of Family of Origin- due to your parents being under the influence of family doctrine and control, separations that may have occurred, even when you are in the same location etc. Not to mention Family orchestrated betrayals in not protecting you or even teaching the doctrines that so hurt you.
Losses could go on and on. But sometimes when you have a sack overflowing with losses, it helps to take the backpack of losses off, and take each stone of loss out, one or two at a time and do what you need to with them so you can chunk em, a bit at a time. To try and deal with everything all at once can be overwhelming and dangerous.
Then you have your life to live and build while you are doing all this! It can seem overwhelming but you seem like such a wonderful and sensitive and very sensible person. I know that you have dreams to fulfill and hope that you are working towards that, bit by bit, with all that you already have to handle, even with any possible set-backs along the way. And I hope that you take time to do nurturing and carefree things and take time off just for yourself!
I hope this comes off as supportive and not like I am trying to tell you what your losses or or what you need to do. That is not at all my intent. Your post really touched me and the thoughts I write are just that. Thoughts. And hopes for your continued successes and healings.
BTW, how is the Aikido coming? ;)
