Weight of the usual

Posted by Rocky on May 31, 2003 at 16:58:30

It has been almost 20 years since I realized that Berg was actually a pedophile and the values of the family were and will forever remain a lie.
The happening of the COG and the fact there was a time I believed the message is something I probably think about far too much. As a victim
of sexual abuse as a child it completely blows my mind that I was in a group run by an active criminal pedophile. Was it just an unlucky trip to
the twilight zone or did I miss some key karmic principle that brought such a thing to be?

Occasionally I wake up after seeing the ghost of those days sweating fearfully from its haunting. We were all there once I suppose. In spite of
the passage of time I still see our young unknowing persons leaning toward the hope of a manifested glory that just never came.

Deep in myself I realize it is really not possible to understand why it happened to any of us. Any useful purpose imagined falls short of viability
or acceptance. It is so hard to love God at times because of this. (The idea of the kingdom was all I had, it was my only hope. " We few, we
happy band of brothers...") I often feel that the experience has left a mark like Cain on me, not that of a murderer so much as bearing the scars
of a forever jaded heart.

My hope is held in the verse from Job that holds onto the one thing, that "my Redeemer lives". It is about all that I can accept as I am unable to
really forgive myself completely for falling for Berg's version of truth and all the crap that occured because of it. Maybe that is just and how it
should be in this life, the cost of acting on a lie.

I wish someone had of given Berg a nice hot cup of shut the fuck up when he was young enough to take it to heart but that did not happen so
the past remains.
***

There is a part of the west coast of BC that is known as the graveyard of the Pacific as a large number of ships and men in the 1800s were
killed on its violent shores. So few people lived to tell of the nature of the winds, currents and submerged rock faces that the wrecks just piled
up one after another. Maybe that is like the family in a way. As we each sailed through our time the false lighthouse and the siren's lying song
took us shipwreck.

Forgive me I am a little maudlin today.