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In Reply to: Re: Importance of our experience in The Family posted by Bart on May 21, 2003 at 14:16:27:
You can accept something and be ashamed of it. No need to be defensive. It's really the feelings that will tell you the whole story. That is why I say, I have yet to accept my cultic past without regret because I still cannot bring myself to examine my feelings of resentment attached to any happy memories I have of my time there. It's a work in progress.
What I've learnt is that the pain that I feel every time I reflect on my fam experience IS the key to understanding that part of my past. Examining that pain, and really digging deep into my heart for the honest truth, gives me my answers. The pain and all accompanying emotions do not skew my understanding. It brings me understanding.
For one, I cannot heap all the blame for my current dysfunctions on the fam. My pre-fam history had a lot to do with it too. I recall there was a discussion on how we were primed for the fam----I second it all. That is something each of us has to come to grips with on a deeply personal level.
The fam fulfilled a need we all had at that time. Whatever it was, be it love, security, lofty ideals, radicalness, etc., the fam gave us the validation we were looking for. Of course we were not conscious of that then.
I've come to realize that I was largely unconscious of my robotic choices. In a sense I had voluntarily ceded control of my right to make my own choices (which in itself is the choice I made). I had consciously given the fam permission to take control of me and in so doing I had unconsciously given it permission to manipulate me into making unconscious and irresponsible decisions (e.g. sexual sharing, ffing, getting pregnant,etc). Am I making any sense? It all boils down to the choices we made. I think that's where a lot of the shame comes from.
