The demons returned

I had a nightmare the other night. Just like the ones I used to have when in TF. I thought they had all but completely disappeared. You know the ones, the kind where you wake up in the night fearing for your life and quoting every verse about power over the enemy that you have in memory. Where you feel your life being choked out of you by some invisible monster, chasing you down while you run screaming.

It took me a couple of hours to go back to sleep. I had to reflect, what brought that on? Was it something I ate, was it because I was hot and uncomfortable? Or is it deeper than that? I don't really believe in demons anymore, per se. I think a lot of what we deem as demons to be our own psyche and emotions, good and bad.

I thought about what was happening in my life. A recent event had me swirling, I had just been informed my exhusband was coming from overseas to attend a very important graduation event of my oldest child. When I heard it, my heart sank. This was a very happy occasion and in no way did I want to have to share air space with someone who will ruin the happy event. After 14 years this is the 3rd time he will see his children. His presence will only make everyone uncomfortable and tense.

The man is the epitome of the perfect F. cult persona and has been able to live unchecked in his little one-man world with no oversight. He is a complete control freak and believes every woman should be controlled by her husband and children should obey without question. He has gone so far as to chastise former friends for contacting me, as if he runs their lives too. To chastise his own father for not controlling his wife and his son-in-law for not controlling his daughter, the one he hurt so terribly.

He is everything TF stands for all bundled up in one neat little, ugly package and he controlled me for 10 years. Could this be why the demons returned? I know they operate under fear and fear is what I was terrorized with for the 18 years I was in TF. Of course, I don't mean real demons, if there are such a thing.

But fear is a very real emotional manipulator and I now see how it works and how it used and abused me for so many years. With all that I know, how could I let fear torment me again? It showed me how emotionally fragile us Exmembers really are. Some things will never go away, they may heal, but the scars remain, nevertheless.

Once again, I have to face my fears and look in the face of the monster who seems to win in everything he does while I struggle and he criticizes.

I take a deep breath and move out, ready to face the enemy, pushing my fears aside. I now realize it's the only way to keep my ground and not falter. I stumbled the other night, but I will steady myself and walk straight - head high, shoulders back, and a look that says, “don’t mess with me - I am my own person, I have succeeded in life in spite of you and you have no right over my life.” I let out a heavy sigh, but I’m ready and the demons know it.