Importance of our experience in The Family

For some people, the family was a hard, sad and painful experience and they may be surprised when I say that much of mine was positive. More so when I compare it to how my own life would have be if I had continued with my own plans. Why did I leave the family then? The reasons had more to do with the collective pain I saw being inflicted on others and I could do very little to help. I left when it got to be intolerable and I could still protect my family. When they tried to place them on the fry pan of child abuse I left. The Family thought it was that we were jumping into the fire but instead of being consumed the Lord's hand protected us as did Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego and many others.

The consequences of that decision were not immediate and not all of them may even be out in the open but one thing is that it created some contradictions I am still wrestling with, how can I have left if it was such positive experience? If it was so positive, how come I am ashamed of my part in it?

In any case, after so many years removed from those experiences, immersed now in a different life, what I see is that the experience is an important component of my present attitudes. I still remember how negative and plainly bad I used to be before I joined the Family and, given the right conditions, how easily I could revert to that self. I am not saying that all memories are nice because I also carry negative attitudes that I recognize as a product of that past. How do I know that it is the result of that part of my life and not of another or due to my own natural disposition? That is the 64 thousand dollars question. I suspect the answer is that I have come to understand some of them and I am working on some of those I still don't understand. Their simplistic answer that we should "trust the Lord" and not question is a cultic tool of control. We are past of that and should strive to search the scriptures to see if those things are so... and they were found lacking.

What has worked for me is to see those experiences in a continuum towards my present and my experience in the family, painful or not, good and bad together, was and is part of the present me. I am of the idea that part of what most of us need in respect to our Family experience is the same thing most people want in life. We want to understand why certain things take place or have happened, we need to get closure on experiences that left us in a vacuum, and our decisions --right or wrong--need to be validated as real and as within our right.

Our Family experience left us "hanging" even when we left them of our own volition, much less when people were asked to leave or were abandoned in isolation or sent out to exile. Ideally, to have peace about our Family experience we would need their help but they would not do it voluntarily because parasites can see how the body they are using is debilitating. They will never recognize us because they don't want the body they are using to die.

Another way is to provide inroads to a collective memory, our own places, times and people. We can help provide that support of experiences to help others, and us, to understand what we went through. I was told some lies that I discovered after many years and gave me closure and explanation of things I had wondered a great deal. Imagine a child growing up without his/her parents asking why????? Doesn't Zerby have a conscience? Well, she will have to give answers some day but meanwhile maybe we could be helped by understanding the context where we lived.

Most of us were sent out in the middle of the night, we learned not to ask questions and we survived but those questions rush in now. Why was I sent out on the road for months at the time? Why was that nice person sent out just when we were talking about marriage and I never saw again? Why did they send in that person I could not get along with to help me shepherd that town? Why was I not allowed to visit the city's home when I was provisioning for them?

Ours is a very private community and not many people are willing to speak up in public. That is what the Family counts on to continue their lies. Also, we never developed strong connections with "everybody" but only with a few individuals so we don't feel comfortable speaking up. When we left, we -- or rather-- they severed those ties and we lost part of ourselves, our history, our past. They did it too but their "staying in" provided enough consolation and support to sooth them. Also, it is convenient for them to forget their mistakes, errors and plain stupidity. They can easily restart with a clean slate by silencing the voice of their conscience, of which, we, the ex members of the cult are a part. That's why Zerby has given directives to the general membership not to associate with us.

Contrary to their experience, we didn't have it easy because, even though we had recaptured our soul, we had to deal with our conscience and face the unknown without the support they had. We were hurt, they hurt us by their actions and silence and we need to at least understand why and how those experiences fit in our life. While they choose to escape reality we chose to embrace it, accept our personal responsibility and get a life. Understanding our own past is a way to solve those unexplained questions and lack of closure in some issues. Constructing a collective memory to continue explaining and answering those nagging questions is a way to understand that past and put it into perspective. At least it has worked for me and it may work for others too.