What's the Family's take on the Elizabeth Smart story?

Dear Family,

Mama has recently received several letters from you, dear Family members, wondering the same thing. Is the Elizabeth Smart case somehow related to Bush's war on Iraq? Just like the Sacrificial Lambton on the Altar of Watergate? You are so in tune, dear Family. And I might add, so well trained mentally to think in knee-jerk conspiracy theory reactions.

The answer is Yes. Bush is so desperate to divert world world attention from his lack of true motives for waging war on Iraq that he has orchestrated this Liz Smart affair. The man who abducted her is, of course, a true prophet of God. As you know, anyone who declares himself a prophet and then has many wives and/or mistressses is automatically a true prophet. An out of control sex drive and the need to control other human beings is the ear mark of a true prophet.

Obviously the FBI knew the whereabouts of this dear prophet of God all this time, and only when Bush needed to have them bring him in to steal the headlines, did he give the order. And of course you know this means, don't you? The bad naughty cults are the villains. 'Next after we invade Iraq we need to invade all the cults.' Be warned, beloved, it's coming! First, Iraq, then the Family.

Please pray for this dear prophet of God as he is now maligned in the media. Please pray for dear Saddam. Please pray for Dad as he continues his inspections of cupboards for peanut butter, that he be not weary in welldoing. Please also keep your fleebags packed. Of course, not with peanut butter.

In fact, the entire war on Iraq may simply be a smokescreen to divert the world's attention away from the true war, the war against the Family. As always, we are the center of the world and nothing else matters.

Love, Mama