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In Reply to: More on the he said, she said issue posted by Acheick on March 05, 2003 at 11:57:52:
Men and women respond differently to stress. In "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" John Gray talks about why this is so (and I tend to agree with him). Men hole up in their "caves" when undergoing stress, licking their wounds by themselves, only coming out and be sociable again when they've resolved the problem inwardly. The only time they will talk about it, and only with their peers, is when they're looking for solutions, meaning they can't figure it out completely on their own and are seriously asking for help. The solution usually being "fight" or "flight". Women on the other hand, need to talk about it and in talking will come the solution. Often just the exercise of talking about it and venting their emotions, is half the problem solved.
Lately UCLA came out with a study showing that in times of crisis women do neither "fight" nor "flight" but they "tend" and "befriend". They get together for coffee and bond, "tend" to their children, seek other people instead of shun them. This may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and
cholesterol. There's no doubt, the study says, that friends are helping us live longer.
I'm not sure I'm looking to live longer but I'm definitely looking to live a better life. Knowing what I know now about our common past and the importance of meaningful relationships (not exclusively romantic but let's start with meaningful friendships), I am just so thankful that I've met some very wonderful people here in this exmember community, years after leaving the fam. that I can establish meaningful friendships with (albeit in a cyber way). I never had that while in. We were all pretty much fucked up, our minds and our bodies screwed beyond belief. Our souls are all deeply deeply wounded, but that's what bonds us together as survivors.
To the menfolk, I hope more of you come out and speak up and partake of the healing that is available via tending and befriending. Peace.
