|
In Reply to: Re: I see your point posted by Passing By on December 03, 2002 at 09:01:26:
Taking a stand for what you know is right and being objective about the whole experience when strong emotions are involved is a point not many have come to yet, or may even be unable to arrive at. The love and loyalty attached to those still mired in the fam are unfortunately what prevents some from reaching that level of understanding. Breaking through the denial requires not only facing the ugly truth about our loved ones but more fearfully, the ugly truth about ourselves. Reality sucks. But seen in the harsh light of day, denying reality by abetting the fantasy sucks even more.
Take the case of substance abuse (alcohol or drugs): how deeply dependent the abuser becomes on the chemical is largely determined by how much their loved ones consciously or unconsciously promoted or enabled their addiction. Enablers protect the substance abuser from the full consequences of the addiction. Enabling behavior frequently appears to be the loving and caring thing to do but the situation quickly deteriorates as the dependency increases. The enabler's own feelings of self-esteem and self-worth (mixed in with a lot of guilt) become dependent on the substance abuser's. They become co-dependents on each other, with the difference being the enabler has the power to change the situation. It is only when the enabler lets go and allows the substance abuser to suffer the full consequences of the addiction that any kind of help can take effect. And this is the point where most knees buckle and hearts wrench in pain and few find the strength to let go. And that's love. And it's tough.
Now substitute "family cult member" to "substance abuser", add the vastly more complex dynamics of cults, and see if the above applies. At the risk of sounding simplistic and formulaic, we have to start somewhere in our quest to understand ourselves and hopefully become agents for positive change. I've said it before, ours was not a unique experience. People have risen above it all and people have died sinking with the cause. We can certainly learn from others mistakes and triumphs.
The ties that bind those of us that have left to those that remain are the same ties that can bind those that remain to remain or to be set free. We who are out have the power to determine which line to give them and that is a deeply personal and painful choice either way.
