starting over, building a life with loss

Ben is not my real name but i need to say something. I was reading Movingon this morning & it was heartbreaking to read some of the posts from young adults who were grieving over their parents who are still in the group. Here's a generation who was abused in inconceivable ways & rightfully is thinking about taking legal action against their abusers yet still wants to reach out to their parents. Even tho their parents separated from some of them & sent them away to different Homes at age 12, or they lived with the threat of 'if you don't do this we'll send you away' despite all that i read several posts about a very deep desire to love their parents.

i wept to read what they wrote & wished they were my kids so I could make things right. i understand their pain & longing because i have a daughter in the group & negligable contact with her. i'm a 'backslider' after all, someone to be used or cursed, whatever the latest mood suits the Family leaders. when i think of how i allowed leaders to separate my mate & i, or how relationships were broken up at a whim, including some the woman & i just walked away from in some kind of stupified trance believing Berg that we were all some big community of love & the kids would be fine. We did it all for the cause. & now i look at my kids from my present marriage & i love them so much that if someone tried to hurt them i would kill that person with my bare hands.

so i look in the mirror & i think how on earth could i have simply walked away from my kids in the group. Who is the person who did that? i literaly can't imagine doing such a thing now but i really did do it & 20 years have passed & the deed can't be undone. Now my daughter is a stranger & i'd love to hold her in my arms & weep & tell her how very sorry i am. i'd like to try to make ammends but the same mind control i was once under, she's still under & to her i'm a backslider with nothing to give. i recognize that i'm paying the price for my ignorant choices & i think a lot of what she's maybe been through & that she's paying the price too. i want to help but at this point there's nothing i can do or say more than what she & her leadership permits.

will some mistakes ever be made right? it's been a lot of years and sometimes it looks like the answer's 'no' but i have heard of reunions recently & parents & kids (actually adults with children of their own now) contacting each other & making things right. it can be done & that gives me hope.