News for Maria's Bunker

The date is July, 2006. The place is the small town of Alto Campo in northern Paraguay, the secret farm of international criminals Karen (Maria) Zerby and Steve (Peter) Kelly. Inside fenced fields we see twenty youths ranging in age from 16 to 29, working in the yam patches, raising food for Kelly and Zerby and tending the beautiful flower gardens where these two Endtime Prophets stroll amongst the fruit trees receiving revelations. There is a large hacienda, two swimming pools, a badminton court and three jeeps. Six Dobermans, all of them named Rex, are on run-lines just inside the fence.

All of the Family members in the fields are female and all are beautiful. They are wearing straw hats and are barefoot. Half of them are pregnant. The little children running amongst the rows of peas all bear a striking resemblance to Steve Kelly. The women are hoeing the corn fields and tending the strawberries (Mama’s favorite) and several of them are wearing signs that read “Don’t talk to me. I’m on Silence Restriction.” These are truly days of Heaven on earth. One young woman is sitting in the shade helping the toddlers memorize Revelations 13.

There is no need to cut through the electrocuted hogwire fence surrounding the twenty-acre property, nor to try to climb through the barbed wire on top. We are sitting here in the jungle, just out of sight of the nearest post-top camera, and have finally tuned in our new state-of-the-art listening device to the central room of the shady garden where Kelly and Zerby are sitting on a bench, dipping their toes in a fishpond talking. Here is the conversation we overhear:

Kelly: ........so we agree. We’ll have to smuggle Juan out of Lima, right? There’s a warrant for his arrest and much as we’d like to just let him take the fall for the abuses in Latin America, we can’t do that, can we?

Zerby: Right. He was the one who bought us this property. If they put him in jail and pressure him, he may feel he has to cut a deal like Gary did to get a lighter sentence.

Kelly: These court cases are wrecking the Family! Damn the Vandari!

Zerby: Hootie-ba-scootie ma-tunda-barunda! Bind the Vandari with the Keys-become-Swords, yea bind them and cast them into the depths of the sea.

Kelly: Amen, amen, in the name of David, bind those bloody vermin from the pits of hell.

Zerby: Amen. (Pause) Um ......do you think that did it?

Kelly: I think so. We still don’t realize what great power we have with the Endtime swords! I’m sure all those Vandair computers were uprooted out of the land of the living and are sinking in the ocean right now.

Zerby: Do you think it would work if we prayed for the Vandari’s lawyers to be cast into the sea also? I mean, if we can actually levitate computers .......

Kelly: Perhaps we should try burning them with the flames of our mouths.

Zerby: (Long pause.) Have you been able to breathe fire yet, Peter?

Kelly: Not yet, but I expect it to kick in soon. I’ve been increasing the amount of gasoline I drink. I’m now up to 6 tablespoons a day. Any more than that and the runs hits me. At 7 tablespoons I can practically shit through the eye of a needle.

Zerby: I hope we can burn the wicked up soon. Then we wouldn’t have to hide out in this wilderness. I’d like to walk right into the courtroom and burn up those Vandari and their Van-lawyers. Well, our Tribulation powers better start kicking in soon. These court cases are killing us. First they caught low-level abusers and dragged them into court, but .......

Kelly: Right. Because all we had to say was that those awful sexual offenders has taken the Law of Love in ways that we had never intended. And I think it helped, don’t you, that Grandpa helped WS write a new PR statement saying that he personally was guilty for opening the cage doors for these beast-like people? What did we call that Letter?

Zerby: The Zoo-Keepers Little Mistake.

Kelly: Yes, it’s great that a ghost takes the blame. They can’t exactly put Casper the naughty little ghost in prison, can they? Ha ha ha ha.

Zerby: And I think it was a very wise decision on Abrahim’s part to tell us that whenever a sexual offender was caught, that we should put out a news release stating that that person had been excommunicated from the Family years earlier and that we are so, so glad that the authorities finally caught those criminals. It makes us look good.

Kelly: I just wish we could have smuggled Gary out of the States before the Vandai caught him. Damn it! And now he’s trying to save his skin and get off the hook by telling them everything he knows! Damn him! Damn him! Damn him! Damn the Vandari! Damn Gary! I feel like calling him Gary Vadari! How did they ever establish a link between him and the Family anyway? I thought FCF was safe. What went wrong?

Zerby: I don’t know. But now the media is just full of the news of the court cases! Well, the persecution has begun, proof that the Great Tribulation has started. And from what the Lord showed us yesterday, Gary is the False Prophet of Revelation 13, speaking lies, working hand in hand with the Antichrist and the forces of the Vandari.

Kelly: Yes, the Tribulation is finally here. Did the Lord show us yet which of the Vandari is the Antichrist?

Zerby: No. Listen, I’m just wondering when we go to Jerusalem to start burning people up and calling down plagues?

Kelly: (slapping a 19 year old girl’s butt and winking) Actually, I think we’re supposed to stay in the Wilderness and be a witness, where we have a place prepared of God. OK, prepared of Juan at least. So how are we going to get him out of Lima?

Zerby: He’s out on bail, isn’t he?

Kelly: Yes. Everyone in Latin America had to send in their reserves to pay for it, but it was worth it.

Zerby: I thought he was going to put on a wig and false breasts and disguise himself as a prostitute. He could hitchhike all the way down through Peru and Chile with truckers.

Kelly: He’d have to shave his moustache first.

Zerby: Juan would never do that.

Kelly: Then he’ll be caught. And he’ll definitely reveal where we are.

Zerby: So maybe we should move. I’m thinking about us going to Jerusalem., take a public stand just like the two Prophets we truly are. How many tablespoons of gasoline did you say you were drinking a day now?

Kelly: Six.

Zerby: Maybe increase that to ten. That might bring the powers on.

Kelly: Maybe. You know, what if our burning powers are the powers of our words? What if Jerusalem is here on our Rancho and we’re just supposed to sit out the Tribulation with the foxy babes here. (Grabs a passing SGA and pulls her onto his lap.) We could just stay here and get messages from the Lord for the Family and guide them through the Great Tribulation.

Zerby: Did you read the latest reports from America? Even the regular Family members are asking why we’re hiding out and letting them take all the blame. This persecution has completely disbanded the Family. And then they caught the Family finance man smuggling money and now he’s singing like a canary too. So now the whole world knows how many millions of dollars we have stashed away for our retirement fund.

Kelly: “He that shall endure to the end shall be saved.” I think our finance man is going to hell for sure, for betraying secrets. He was never saved.

Zerby: But what do we say to the Family? It looks like we’re just criminals hiding out while they take the blame. Like a couple ex-Nazis hiding out in South America. What can we tell them?

Kelly: Tell them to stand strong.

Zerby: Do you really think it was wise to get the whole Family to turn in their flee funds last year? Now they’re all left with nothing and we look like fat cats.

Kelly: If they’re going to backslide over a little money, let’m. As for me and my house, we will serve the— Whoa! Isn’t she a beauty! Come over here honey. Time with your king. Excuse me. I need to go in the bedroom to get a revelation. Come with me dear.

Zerby: (sitting alone under the papaya tree) Maybe I should just book tickets for Jerusalem. Maybe I just need to take that step of faith. Maybe that would bring on the powers.

(End. For now.)