Re: 2nd part of psychologist's email as posted by Goth

I for one have never heard of this woman, and think she is very inaccurate in her assessment in a number of areas. Like Ian, I have read this board, and although I have been tempted to reply to this topic before, I haven’t until now. (I am taking a break from the moving on site, and had some time today.)

From my perspective, we as children in the Family have been struggling for most of our lives to not be lumped in with all the first generation members of the group. For myself, and I think a lot of the SGs, we always looked at our parents and the “uncles” and “aunties” as being pretty weird. The “banana-banana-hondoo-borondoo” tongues that just went on and on were hilarious. All the nakedness and underarm hair was pretty freaky. The complete lack of fashion sense was pretty embarrassing, and the hugs that were much too long and much too intimate were creepy. And the songs? “Achoo I love you, thank you Lord for sneezing”? What does that even mean?

We could not voice any of our questions about what the hell our parents were on, or why things were so weird all the time. Every “training” program we were put through, from the early TTCs to the victor programs was because we did not have the same level of commitment to the Family as the first generation. The Family has been through “revolution” after “revolution” to try to address this issue, (I still can’t get Singing Sam’s “Side By Side” out of my head—thanks Sam) and they now recommend inter-generational sexual sharing to try to combat this even further.

Although there were some publications saying that we were the “pure generation” we were never treated that way within the Family. We were always seen as children and weaker, inferior members. Even now we are sometimes referred to as “teens” by FGAs in and out. There have been some very supportive comments posted here, and it is wonderful to see respect for us as adults and equals starting to build within this community. That was never, ever the case in the Family. Even now there are rumours of the FG COs being informed about things that SG COs are not, because it would “stumble” them.

Despite the lack of trust or respect from the FGs, for most of our lives we have been carrying the weight of adulthood and adult responsibilities. There was a discussion here some months back in which someone said that SGs should take responsibility for not running away from the group, and someone else said 14 was old enough to run away. Well thanks for giving us 2 more years of childhood than the Family did. We cooked for entire homes at 10 and 11, we cared for our brothers and sisters and the other children. We were the backbone of the Family for many years at the cost of our own education and childhood. Even now many of us carry the responsibility for our younger brothers and sisters and even parents who are leaving. While I appreciate that many parents who left with their children face incredible hardships as well, put this into perspective a little by remembering that we are leaving at the same age as FGs were when they joined. That naivety, vulnerability, that people talk about when they met the Family, it’s true, but we are there now, and in addition have all the responsibility of our siblings, children and our own survival in a world that we were intentionally denied even basic preparation for.

Who are the mysterious “leadership” whom this woman claims is responsible for the actions of Family members? Is this WS, COs, Maria and Peter? WC and James Penn were in WS, Ray was a CO, other people here were in high ranking positions in the Family. Maria and Peter are FGAs too, Maria in particular was a naïve sheltered young woman when she joined, and was pounced on by an older manipulative perverted man. She was isolated from even the rest of the group by him, pimped out and raped. If Berg was the source of all evil, then she was the most exploited of any FGA. (I’m not defending her, just wondering where exactly the line of responsibility should be drawn).

Does it matter where the victimization started? We are not interested in analysing why people raped and beat children, forced us to support them financially, and took away our innocence and childhood. What we are interested in is accountability for these crimes by the people who committed them. Every criminal has some rationalization as to why they commit the acts they do. If society accepted this sort of rationale, no one would be accountable for anything.

This woman seems to be incredibly naïve about human nature, which is rather worrisome for a psychiatrist. I spent 2 years in the sex trade after leaving the Family, and I can tell you that I have seen first hand people do all kinds of horrible things with no one “making them” do it. I believe that an environment like the Family gives people permission to do things that they would never do in a different setting. Family members believe that there are no consequences for their actions. That’s the issue. I am perhaps cynical to a fault on this, but I believe that if you take away the boundaries, you will get “normal” people doing all kinds of horrible things just because they can, and I have seen this. Fine, upstanding, well known citizens who do all kinds of things to children and young people caught in the sex trade, because they are throw-away kids and there are no consequences. Well we are saying that there are consequences, and we are not the Family’s throw-aways or orphans any more.

One of the hardest thing I ever did was confront my parents regarding the things they did to me and allowed to happen to me. After years and years of having subservience beaten into me, it’s still difficult, (believe it or not) to stand up to people whom I have been conditioned to obey and respect. It takes time to find your voice, and to recognise your own power and strength, and I am still working through these things. Although we are no longer the helpless, vulnerable, silent children we were in the Family, it takes time to overcome that mindset. Remember how many kids were “spanked until they stopped crying”? From toddlers we have kept in all the hurt and pain we felt, and it takes time to learn how to express yourself appropriately. For me it still cycles between rage and self-depreciation. I believe as more and more of us come into our own, and see there is nothing behind the Wizard of Oz’s curtain, our voices will grow louder and louder and we will effect real change.

There is a difference in the sociological and psychological dynamics of people who joined a cult and people who were born into it. Much of the support (scant as it is) that is there for ex-cult members addresses the issues that FGs face. What does “recovery” even mean for us? How do we connect to our pre-cult personality, when this is all we ever knew. A child born into a particular culture is a native of that environment, not an immigrant, and their identity is different. Although there is a lot of information on Third Culture Kids in general there is almost no research on this topic as it pertains to NRMs, but that is because the researchers are missing this point, not because it’s not valid. We ourselves are working to change this and educate the academics on these issues. As the people born into more and more religious communities start to speak out, as the Hare Krishna’s, JWs, children of polygamy, etc. are beginning to do, awareness will be raised, which in itself is healing to us.

I guess my point is that social change, whether within the Family itself or other, larger societies is brought about by the people who are affected by the issue addressed. This is why our voices must be heard. No one is denying the hurt the Family caused to many other people, and if someone feels they are not being heard, they should speak out. Sexual exploitation for example is something that Family perpetrated on women, and that’s an important, but different, issue. There are many ways to speak out and what we are saying is our way.