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exFamily.org > chatboards > genX > archives > post #4981

Re: Some good questions

Posted by goth88 on October 24, 2002 at 13:53:54

In Reply to: Some good questions posted by Miguel on October 24, 2002 at 07:17:01:

Why did I join the family?
I was young, vulnerable, on the sts. of L.A. having just turned 18. I wanted to know what the truth was. I was searching. The COG presented themselves as a group that was living for a true cause that provided the 64 million dollar question of What is the meaning of Life?
Why did I stay in the family?
From the day I entered I had little sleep, lots of work, lots of classes, no privacy, a "buddy" that shadowed me wherever I went. No one went anywhere without a reason and without others with leadership approval. This was explained as being for our protection. I was encouraged to pray a prayer that god would kill me if I ever left the gates (of the family). I was taught that god took everything literal and took you at your word. I didn't have many ties to the "world" (none in L.A.)and believed what I was taught. I learned to believe that my doubts were of the devil and to tell others (report on myself) via purging sessions or to a tribe leader if having them. There were things that felt good. Living with a sense of belonging and family for the first time and believing that I was loved back. Later, at times when things were rough, I felt like (as I was programmed) it was my weakness or lack of spirituality. Fear became more and more prominent. Peer pressure was such that you report on yourself or others, so there was that fake happiness and "COG" identity. Later I was in foreign countries, mostly without visas. Often separated from my kids. So there were too many factors to talk about but they boiled down to fear and shame.
Did I stay in the family long after I found out it wasn't for me? No. I don't think I fully realized that it was the family that was fucked up until I was out for awhile. I thought I was wrong.
Why did I leave the family? There were many issues for me regarding sexual abuse from my past and within the family, and seeing it heading towards the kids, I got very scared. I left by impulse. I had prayed that if the family was wrong I was unable to know it, so could God please make it too hard for me to stay. Well, whether God or not, I can not tell, but it did happen. I first felt like I needed to get away. But with all three kids and a few bags of clothes and a guitar and some funds, incl. bar-singing with the kids waiting around a table for me, we got out and back to the states.
Under what circumstances did I leave the family?
Answered above.
How did I leave the family? Answered above. But the process of really seeing it for what it was occurred over time after getting out. I left with little and no support. It was very hard survival for a very long time. But it was worth leaving!! I will never regret that!