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In Reply to: Hey! It's back up. Hi, Goth posted by Donny on September 27, 2002 at 19:45:43:
Hi Donny. Well I got a topic. I think that this categorical self flagelation going on sometimes about how bad we were, getting into that cult, and so on is rubbish.
It is an individual matter. I think before anyone can "make amends" they have to first be capable of being honest with themselves. First, they have to have the ability to do that, and then second, they have to be able to face what they have actually done AND have a conscience about it. I joined the family believing everything like a kid. It was the first I knew about the bible. I never knew "scriptures or verses" existed. I had grown up with alot of abuse and came from a binge Catholic background and really spaced out on the occasions that we actually went to church, usually me and my sister by ourselves. But I do believe that even if I had been the baptist preachers daughter, or maybe especially if I had been the baptist preachers daughter, I could have been swayed to believe that the "Family" was gods highest calling. The popular thing with kids in those days was to reject the materialism of our parents and to share. With some that meant sex. However, when I joined the family all those "dirty hippies" that originally joined were not allowed to date or hold hands or kiss even. (Us on the regular disciple level, tho not Berg and Maria). A prospective couple was either put together or had to be approved by leadership. Gradually, you heard about things at top leadership levels, but by then you were so programmed to believe that it was either a lie, or that there were special exceptions for leaders. Anyway, blind obedience to leadership was drilled in.
Now what if I had joined during the FF revolution and thought that a "Christian person" was in love with me, and I bought it hook line and sinker (pun intended)? I still would have been programmed that it was god's highest will and been taught that to think otherwise was weakness.
Bottom line is, that whether I was born into the family, joined in the beginning, in the FF heyday, I am responsible to take a look back and see where I personally did any damage to anyone else. What motivated me? Was it a desire for power, acceptance, and did I have any inkling that what I was doing was bad? If my victim was a minor, it was bad, even if I didn't believe it at the time. So what would be the right thing to do? Well find someone who can support me while I get honest with myself. Then when I am able to face the music, do what I can to contact that person that I abused or violated in whatever way. At this point, it would be in their hands as to whether they wanted to press charges, let me go or forgive me or be very angry with me and blast me and tell me they hoped I tripped in a barn and landed on a shredder. What would that accomplish? I could go to jail and or be blasted by the victim. Two very important things it would accomplish in this even worst case scenari: It would give the victim the acknowledgement that is so critical to their recovery. The other would be that it would relieve me of guilt that I would by that time be aware that I carried. I would be taking personal responsibility, and if I was religious, this would be what would TRULY be putting it in God's hands and trusting god for the outcome. I might even be forgiven. Now what if I didn't like the sex stuff because of alot of victimization I experienced, and never got an apology for or acknowledgement for? I would be responsible for myself to seek therapy to come to grips with the fallout in my life from people without a conscience and deal with greater scars. This is probably the story with many of the SG/SGA's. So what is the point? Everyone that desires recovery honestly deserves it. Those without a conscience need a cell. But basically, none of us are bad people (that do have a conscience)who should have seen the badness in the family when we joined. What alcoholic, upon first drinking (very few) found it to be harmful or hurtful? Then when the fun ran out and the damage started showing, the substance was bigger than we were...Then it was drink and drug just to not feel the pain.
And the majority of alcoholics/addicts were abused as kids.
Where does responsibility enter the picture and for whom? I think for all of us individually according to our own conscience, with some guidance from others who have truly gotten their lives together and gone on with life and healthier habits.
I am not the piece of shit that I was told I was. Not at home with my family. Not in "the family". I am not someone who shines only because I am living the words of a pedophile madman or the interpretations or a crazy madwoman. I have worth when I get out of the mud puddle, take a shower and am capable of seeing that humanity is not about innate evil. It encompasses all the worst and all the best of qualities and where I am in that spectrum, at some point, is up to me.
