the spell of sex

I wrote this on NDN and wanted to contribute it here in case anyone else was subject to this abuse or had thoughts on it--


My husband and I discussed the other day the power of sex and how the Family used (uses) it to gain control over people.

He told me some things about his past, things that shattered some of my images about people I knew in the group and left me a bit heartbroken in the end. I spent about a day feeling sorry for myself and coming to grips with another probable reality, although in all fairness I should ask the person involved before I make a judgement on the relationship we had. I decided that the one man whom I can say I loathe in the Family, who outrightly used my youthful flesh (though I was above the age of a minor), who was a user, is probably the only man who was completely honest with me and just had me for his own sexual gratification with no 'love of Christ's' attached to it.

My husband is older, he is of the first generation, and was a CRO in the area we live for several years, until he stepped down about 7 years ago to live a life on the field. He was close to Berg and company when they were living in this country, for many years he was on the inner workings of leadership. He was also the main media spokesperson in the country when a wave of negative publicity came about.

He told me that for years and years sex had been used to manipulate and gain control of people by the leadership. There was a period of time when he was a peon in training, not a leader, but moving up in the ranks, or under consideration for higher responsibility, but before he was promoted, he was 'assigned' to a female leader who spent considerable time building up a relationship with him. He fell in love with her and had regular 'dates' and time together. It meant a lot to him at the time. At one point though in their relationship she suddenly disappeared without too much to say. He found out that she had been temporarily reassigned to another man who needed some help and attention.

I think this is when he began to realise how sex was used for control. How it was being used on him. That this woman who claimed to love him could so quickly drop him without a second thought, then come back to him just as quickly. He realised how he was being brought closer to the top leadership through this relationship, and that there were several of the same sort of relationships going on. For men it was the appeal of the sex, for woman the emotional appeal, how flattering it was for a peon to suddenly be receiving such great attention from a leader, how could the peon not help but give their undivided loyalty to the group, their emotions being used to bring them in to that loyalty.

Years later my husband looks back and realises how duped he was, that he was used. After he became one of the top leadership he realised that each 'affair' going on was discussed and counselled about in meetings, the comments made by the second party, advice given on how to continue, that it was not a private or individual thing, but all used and orchestrated to bring those closer that the top felt had potential. Later on when the Summit meetings happened, he saw the same thing happening amongst the older and younger generation leaders. He saw the 'older' ones being assigned to younger ones, with the goal of bringing those younger leaders closer in and grounding their loyalty.

I am especially hurt because I was very much in love with a leader, and I probably always will be, but in looking back I can't help but wonder, was it just an orchestrated relationship, was it just set up in order to keep a check on me and ground my loyalty to the group? Not that I was a 'leader in training' or anything ordinarily special, but I still feel hurt that most likely it was a one-way relationship with me being the deceived one. And it hurts.

In thinking about it, I believe that subconsciously I realised this all along and it has played a major role in my own issues with emotions, romance and feelings of love. I have a hard time with it, I don't trust it in myself, and I have built up a wall around my heart to keep it safe from romantic abuse. It has been hard on my husband, he's had trouble cracking that defense, I love him with all that I can, but I can only bring myself so far in romantic love and I start to freak out. I have a low level of belief in it, having seen it so abused and been the object of its abuse.

Perhaps I didn't make any sense, it's not even all clear to me, but it is my opinion that 'love abuse' is real and the Family leadership used it to gain their advantage. And when a person wakes up and faces the truth, it leaves a scar.