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In Reply to: Wow! More stuff like this please! posted by History Qs on August 29, 2002 at 19:43:09:
Well, Mo may have preached against the confession sessions in one of his first official letters, but they did not cease forever after. In fact they continued, and he had to have known because some of the same leaders were officiating again.
While i was at TSC, some friends came to visit. I must have been considered too new to be exposed to that (in other words, might leave?) so I was sent to a selah place in the industrial area of Dallas for a few days or so. There was a little shack, an outhouse that you got to on a pallette trail in high grass. The food was bisquick mix with water and instant oatmeal with water, and that was it. We slept in a freezer container (from an 18 wheeler). Berg was obsessed with guards and there was always a guard posted wherever the family was. Even this little band of us. it was winter and it was COLD in that truck container. And there were no warm blankets. When I returned to TSC I was informed who had visited and told what to write. I thought it was just a coincidence. Then there were the persecution skits, which always ended with the death or torture of us sold out christian army endtime people! Or the skits about how to handle systemites and family. ugghh. There was alot of sickness due to unclean, unfiltered water source. Also outhouses (at TSC) and limited timed showers. (Cold in the winter) Once a week with wash up out of a bowl or cup in btw. I remember being told repeatedly that I was nothing. Only god was good, I (people) was shit basically. There were things that you heard something about from one person or another or overheard that made you realize that there was something more going on with top leadership, but you weren't really at liberty to entertain that thought, and certainly not to ask about it. It was soon clear that there were levels of leadership, and inner circles. There was some pretty systematic breaking down of the original personality. So in hindsight, I would have to agree that there was nothing good as a whole about it, anymore than heroin being good as a whole. Either might save someones life at a vulnerable place in time, but both are highly destructive the longer they are consumed.
As the family began to break up into smaller clusters and spread to different locales, I moved on. I was put together with someone unexpectedly when I was barely 19. I got pregnant shortly after. I was in the family when we were simultaneously evicted from Fred Jordans properties (in Cochella, L.A.) and the family danced singing Saul has slain his thousands and David his Tens of thousands. (Fred was called "Saul" within the family, not to his face.) There was "persecution" at other sites. Zion was one. After eviction, a large chunk of people displaced from Zion went to a mosquito infested park where we were bitten bite upon bite and virtually everyone that was there for some time got a serious mosquito disease. There is soooooo much to tell. I felt like leaving shortly after this when I realized I was pg. I felt wrong and I felt trapped. There was no place to go. I had been dealt with rather severely and in some sexual manners by leadership. This was early on. Then I ended up overseas in Essen Germany where purging sessions were alive and well and being dealt with increased. Top leadership was there and through there often. I had my baby and was banished to the nursery where I was dealt with and busted to babes status for stupid stuff. Still there was no place to go, and fear factors prevented leaving. I was in many different countries, and had a very hard time with my "mate" because I did not love him anymore, didn't when we first got together, and he loved lots of sex. I got reported for not participating and dealt with on too many occassions. I had sicknesses, no doctors, Passed out literature with stiff quotas, taking my kids (now 2 and one on the way) out in freezing cold weather(in Scandinavia) having to litness for our food before we could eat. The nightmare grows. Then the ffing starts, first flirting (Look of Love) etc. then it was do it for love of God and others, then since we were to do it anyway, why not make money? What kept me in, oh,, fear of death, fear of being weak and not in tune with "god", fear of losing my children within the cog underground railroad of non-independence, feeling worthless as I was trained to know that I was, and on and on. I sang alot in Europe. This helped me to avoid the ff thing because it was "fruitful" but I could not avoid it altogether. So I could go on and on and get much more graphic, but I have a hard time understanding being asked what was the good of the family as well as the bad and the ugly. It is likewhen a person recovers from alcoholism, or drug addiction, part of the process is saying goodbye to the one you loved and that you gave your life for in ever more destructive increments. But you have to have this damage pointed out. It is essential to have people there who are in varying degrees of recovery and can listen to each other, or confront each other. An addict has a hard time seeing truth. I remember working with this guy who was in his early 40's and he was shaky and looked like he was about 75. About a month into treatment he was still out of it. He said that heroin made you keep a young look about you. It stunned the other addicts who saw a taste of reality there. This guy could not see, not even with all the mirrors, how much damage the drug had wrought in his life. Another thing addicts do is to romance the good ole days when it was "fun". In actuality, there are no good ole days, there are some good times here and there, but the pain and the damage was so much more severe. It takes alot for addicts to see this. Using this parallel, I would say that ex-family members, and current users need to see the "bad" about it more until they truly see the destruction that it has wreaked in their lives and in the lives of others. My wish is that those out and entertaining getting out will see things they relate to about the bad and examine their lives more closely. Some people are sold out to their drug of choice. No one goes capturing addicts that are not wanting to change and too resistant to it. And when they do, it usually doesn't work. Once you really come face to face with your losses and wreckage of your life after the family, then you can start living. Does this mean that all problems,doubts, fears go away? Of course not. But it does mean your quality of life can get better whether you work at McDonalds or own a big corporation.
